Welcome 2009!

Wow, life just goes by so quickly and things change so fast.

2008 is just a blur and truth be told, I'm sorta' glad it's over. It was a year of too many changes. And although most of them were positive changes, I just want some calm for my life for awhile.

So in my usual tradition, I'm making New Year's Resolutions.

This year's resolution is to live life more.

I know that sounds pretty generic, but hear me out.

I tend to let life pass me by. A lot of it is out of cowardice. I'm either afraid of getting hurt or I'm afraid of looking stupid. Well, I'm in my 30s now and I have to knock it the hell off if I want to get much out of life. I forget my own mortality sometimes. But not in that cool way that results in me doing dangerous things. Oh no, I forget in that way that results in me being a lame-ass for the most part. So this year I'm going to get the hell out of my house and experience life. I want experiences, I want memories. I want adventures.

I spent the day snowmobiling with the group from the "Shack" and I had an awesome day. It was a beautiful day with the snow lightly falling down and it was relatively warm and I got to be outside and it was just plain ol' fun. So Day 1... check. ;) Tomorrow I have to work, so I'm not sure how I'll make that adventuresome, but I'll do my best.

So really all of my resolutions relate back to the primary one. I want to get in financial shape so I can afford to do fun things. I want to get into physical shape so I'm not limited by that and I want to get in emotional shape so that I stop being such a loser ;)

I'm going to work this year on developing myself as the woman I want to be in my 30s and beyond.

Happy New Years!

Greetings everyone!
So one of my many New Years resolutions for 2008 was to write in a journal everyday. I thought, what the hell, I'll do it electronically and let it sit on the Internet for the world to view. Why not, right?!
2007 was a year of change for me, so I'm hoping that 2008 will be a year of stability and security. My relationship with Matt is entering its sixth month and we're confident that we're a good team, so now we can just work on building up our relationship. I'm moving into a new position at work, but I think that the new role will be one that will allow for me to truly fall into my niche.
I have a really good feeling about this year. And I really hope that when I look back at this at the end of 2008 that I'm right.
Of course I have the standard goals of losing weight (but now I actually believe I can), experiencing a lot of new things and becoming a better person.
Still tired from a late night, so I'll sign off this journal entry quickly.
Cheers everyone!

I started the novel!!!

Well, I'm 1700 words into it.

I'm not sure where the story is going yet and I'm trying to just let it flow.

It's tough.

And it'll probably suck as a story when I'm done, but I am just trying to enjoy letting my imagination go.

Lindsay always tells me that I have to practice at being creative.

I tell her I have no talents.

There might be hope for me though. The ol' imagination has always been there, I've just neglected to recognize that it's my creative outlet.

Life is cruising along. Every day I discover something I had forgotten about myself.

I'm sad that I let myself disappear for so long.

At least I found myself before it was too late...

Well Holy Fucking Shit

Yeah, so it's been almost a year and I'm sure no one will even read this since I appear to have dropped off the face of the earth. To say a lot has changed in the last 10 months since I last wrote is a total and complete understatement.

I think I stopped writing because I just stopped being able to comprehend my life enough to write. 2007 was a fucked up year in my life. That's all that's to it.

In April, Sam and I decided we were going to get married in September.

In July, I broke off the wedding and the 5-year relationship.

In October, which is now, I'm in the process of figuring out a LOT of things about myself.

I lose myself in relationships. I morph like a chameleon. Lose sight of myself in my eternal quest to find someone that loves me. But in this case I resented myself and him so much for it that we couldn't go on. So now as expected, he hates me. Kinda' deserve it I guess. No one wants to be broken up with two months before their supposed wedding date.

But I just was scared beyond scared.

I kept having these visions of me just not showing up that day. Calling a girlfriend and telling her I was in Canada already. I've never had such raw, real feelings in my life.

And it's a little weird adjusting still three months after the break-up.

I traded in the car that had caused so many fights for a truck of my own. Decided not to depend on a boyfriend for 4-wheel drive and a vehicle to haul my kayak in.

I cleared out my house of a lot of stuff and plan to get rid of more. Slow process.

I'm paying off debt.

I've lost 15 pounds.

I can sort of see the beginnings of my old six-pack.

I'm writing a blog again.

And will be participating in NaNoWriMo this year. 50,000 words during the month of November. Not sure if I'll be letting people know the details of my novel yet. It's kinda' personal, so we'll see.

I wake up every morning surprised at my new life.

My heart breaks for my old friend and all I hope is that someday he forgives me.

With all of these voices in my head, how can I be so lonely?

So I don't write often, or ever anymore...

It doesn't mean I don't think of things I want to write about, I just never know whether or not I feel like sharing.

That makes me realize that my head's working way too much overtime, cuz' normally I like sharing.

But I don't lately. My apologies, but I think I've hit a point where I have to figure some of this stuff out on my own.

Not that I don't love all of you for trying to help me, cuz' obviously I do. I think I'm just tired of being a burden. Everyone else seems to know what they're doing with themselves, who they want to be, what kind of life they want, etc.

And here I sit.

Facing 29, wondering how that happened so damn quick.

Wondering why I'm not married yet, what's wrong with me that I don't want kids, wondering if I should still be living up here or if I'm just up here still because I'm scared.

I'm scared.

I've used those two words a lot lately. Always wondering if I'm making the right decisions for myself. Wondering if I'm not making decisions on things I should be. Wondering if I'm leaving to much up to the Fates. Yeah, just for the record, big fan of the Fates. Little hope of dissuading me from believing in them.

Scared of hurting other people through my decisions. Scared of hurting myself through my decisions. Wondering how much of my decisions are really mine to make in the first place.

Scared that I'm missing out on something. Scared of regrets. Scared of looking back at my 20s and wondering what could have been.

The 5th Anniversary of Jennie's death is this week. Unfortunately, the same day as my niece's birthday party. Rayna was born three years to the day I found out that Jennie had been killed. That blows because this is the hardest time of year for me and I don't want to be sad on such a happy day for our family.

But it's tough. I know I preach about getting over things, moving on, accepting death, blah blah blah.

But I'm realizing the loss of her in my life is not something I'll ever "get over." This may sound really gay, but she was my hetero soul mate ;) Her and I matched up as friends in a way that isn't repeatable. Partly because I'll never be a kid again and grow up with someone the same way.

I dream about her all the time. We're always doing something like we used to do, hiking or canoeing or something like that. And we're always still young. Will I have these dreams when I'm 50? The worst part though is that she never talks in my dreams, but I feel so fucking happy to see her. And when that fucking alarm clock goes off, it makes me so sad.

I miss her so damn much. Grief really is a selfish thing though. If you believe in a happy after-life, then you're not really grieving for the person because you believe they're somewhere better.

You're grieving for you.

I know that my life would be better if she was still here. Not to downplay any of my current friends at all, but her and I would have been friends for over 20 years at this point had she not been taken out of this world at 23.

I miss her everyday.

I hate how my memories of her are fading, maybe she never talks in my dreams because I don't remember what her voice sounded like.

I feel like a part of me is still missing 5 years later.

And it hurts.

It fucking hurts so bad.

To everything turn, turn, turn

There is a season turn, turn, turn.

Honestly?! I hate that %#@^ing song! But as our seasons change, it's what comes to mind. Oh yay (please note sarcasm).

It is November 28th today and it. is. raining.

Not cool Mother Nature!

I'm a life-long Minnesotan, born here, will probably die here.

I want snow by now.

All those cheesy tv specials with white Christmases? Yeah, that's what I want.

Scratch that.

I expect that.

We are not supposed to still be able to leave the house without hats on!

I know we're probably idiots for living in a climate like Northern Minnesota's, but damn it(!) we like it, what can I say?

Sigh. Enough venting about that.

I have missed my blogging world friends... It's good to be back :)

Can I get a witness?

Alright, so I haven't written in months. I'm well aware that this fact makes me kind of a loser in the blogging world. So my deepest apologies to anyone who stumbles upon this. I'm afraid that I've lost all my blogging friends in the chaos that became my life.

I'll be back.