Say What Now?

Welcome 2009!

2009-01-01T16:18:00.000-08:00

Wow, life just goes by so quickly and things change so fast.

2008 is just a blur and truth be told, I'm sorta' glad it's over. It was a year of too many changes. And although most of them were positive changes, I just want some calm for my life for awhile.

So in my usual tradition, I'm making New Year's Resolutions.

This year's resolution is to live life more.

I know that sounds pretty generic, but hear me out.

I tend to let life pass me by. A lot of it is out of cowardice. I'm either afraid of getting hurt or I'm afraid of looking stupid. Well, I'm in my 30s now and I have to knock it the hell off if I want to get much out of life. I forget my own mortality sometimes. But not in that cool way that results in me doing dangerous things. Oh no, I forget in that way that results in me being a lame-ass for the most part. So this year I'm going to get the hell out of my house and experience life. I want experiences, I want memories. I want adventures.

I spent the day snowmobiling with the group from the "Shack" and I had an awesome day. It was a beautiful day with the snow lightly falling down and it was relatively warm and I got to be outside and it was just plain ol' fun. So Day 1... check. ;) Tomorrow I have to work, so I'm not sure how I'll make that adventuresome, but I'll do my best.

So really all of my resolutions relate back to the primary one. I want to get in financial shape so I can afford to do fun things. I want to get into physical shape so I'm not limited by that and I want to get in emotional shape so that I stop being such a loser ;)

I'm going to work this year on developing myself as the woman I want to be in my 30s and beyond.

Happy New Years!

2008-01-01T16:54:00.000-08:00

Greetings everyone!
So one of my many New Years resolutions for 2008 was to write in a journal everyday. I thought, what the hell, I'll do it electronically and let it sit on the Internet for the world to view. Why not, right?!
2007 was a year of change for me, so I'm hoping that 2008 will be a year of stability and security. My relationship with Matt is entering its sixth month and we're confident that we're a good team, so now we can just work on building up our relationship. I'm moving into a new position at work, but I think that the new role will be one that will allow for me to truly fall into my niche.
I have a really good feeling about this year. And I really hope that when I look back at this at the end of 2008 that I'm right.
Of course I have the standard goals of losing weight (but now I actually believe I can), experiencing a lot of new things and becoming a better person.
Still tired from a late night, so I'll sign off this journal entry quickly.
Cheers everyone!

I started the novel!!!

2007-11-01T18:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm 1700 words into it.

I'm not sure where the story is going yet and I'm trying to just let it flow.

It's tough.

And it'll probably suck as a story when I'm done, but I am just trying to enjoy letting my imagination go.

Lindsay always tells me that I have to practice at being creative.

I tell her I have no talents.

There might be hope for me though. The ol' imagination has always been there, I've just neglected to recognize that it's my creative outlet.

Life is cruising along. Every day I discover something I had forgotten about myself.

I'm sad that I let myself disappear for so long.

At least I found myself before it was too late...

Well Holy Fucking Shit

2007-10-11T18:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so it's been almost a year and I'm sure no one will even read this since I appear to have dropped off the face of the earth. To say a lot has changed in the last 10 months since I last wrote is a total and complete understatement.

I think I stopped writing because I just stopped being able to comprehend my life enough to write. 2007 was a fucked up year in my life. That's all that's to it.

In April, Sam and I decided we were going to get married in September.

In July, I broke off the wedding and the 5-year relationship.

In October, which is now, I'm in the process of figuring out a LOT of things about myself.

I lose myself in relationships. I morph like a chameleon. Lose sight of myself in my eternal quest to find someone that loves me. But in this case I resented myself and him so much for it that we couldn't go on. So now as expected, he hates me. Kinda' deserve it I guess. No one wants to be broken up with two months before their supposed wedding date.

But I just was scared beyond scared.

I kept having these visions of me just not showing up that day. Calling a girlfriend and telling her I was in Canada already. I've never had such raw, real feelings in my life.

And it's a little weird adjusting still three months after the break-up.

I traded in the car that had caused so many fights for a truck of my own. Decided not to depend on a boyfriend for 4-wheel drive and a vehicle to haul my kayak in.

I cleared out my house of a lot of stuff and plan to get rid of more. Slow process.

I'm paying off debt.

I've lost 15 pounds.

I can sort of see the beginnings of my old six-pack.

I'm writing a blog again.

And will be participating in NaNoWriMo this year. 50,000 words during the month of November. Not sure if I'll be letting people know the details of my novel yet. It's kinda' personal, so we'll see.

I wake up every morning surprised at my new life.

My heart breaks for my old friend and all I hope is that someday he forgives me.

With all of these voices in my head, how can I be so lonely?

2007-01-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

So I don't write often, or ever anymore...

It doesn't mean I don't think of things I want to write about, I just never know whether or not I feel like sharing.

That makes me realize that my head's working way too much overtime, cuz' normally I like sharing.

But I don't lately. My apologies, but I think I've hit a point where I have to figure some of this stuff out on my own.

Not that I don't love all of you for trying to help me, cuz' obviously I do. I think I'm just tired of being a burden. Everyone else seems to know what they're doing with themselves, who they want to be, what kind of life they want, etc.

And here I sit.

Facing 29, wondering how that happened so damn quick.

Wondering why I'm not married yet, what's wrong with me that I don't want kids, wondering if I should still be living up here or if I'm just up here still because I'm scared.

I'm scared.

I've used those two words a lot lately. Always wondering if I'm making the right decisions for myself. Wondering if I'm not making decisions on things I should be. Wondering if I'm leaving to much up to the Fates. Yeah, just for the record, big fan of the Fates. Little hope of dissuading me from believing in them.

Scared of hurting other people through my decisions. Scared of hurting myself through my decisions. Wondering how much of my decisions are really mine to make in the first place.

Scared that I'm missing out on something. Scared of regrets. Scared of looking back at my 20s and wondering what could have been.

The 5th Anniversary of Jennie's death is this week. Unfortunately, the same day as my niece's birthday party. Rayna was born three years to the day I found out that Jennie had been killed. That blows because this is the hardest time of year for me and I don't want to be sad on such a happy day for our family.

But it's tough. I know I preach about getting over things, moving on, accepting death, blah blah blah.

But I'm realizing the loss of her in my life is not something I'll ever "get over." This may sound really gay, but she was my hetero soul mate ;) Her and I matched up as friends in a way that isn't repeatable. Partly because I'll never be a kid again and grow up with someone the same way.

I dream about her all the time. We're always doing something like we used to do, hiking or canoeing or something like that. And we're always still young. Will I have these dreams when I'm 50? The worst part though is that she never talks in my dreams, but I feel so fucking happy to see her. And when that fucking alarm clock goes off, it makes me so sad.

I miss her so damn much. Grief really is a selfish thing though. If you believe in a happy after-life, then you're not really grieving for the person because you believe they're somewhere better.

You're grieving for you.

I know that my life would be better if she was still here. Not to downplay any of my current friends at all, but her and I would have been friends for over 20 years at this point had she not been taken out of this world at 23.

I miss her everyday.

I hate how my memories of her are fading, maybe she never talks in my dreams because I don't remember what her voice sounded like.

I feel like a part of me is still missing 5 years later.

And it hurts.

It fucking hurts so bad.

To everything turn, turn, turn

2006-11-28T14:50:00.000-08:00

There is a season turn, turn, turn.

Honestly?! I hate that %#@^ing song! But as our seasons change, it's what comes to mind. Oh yay (please note sarcasm).

It is November 28th today and it. is. raining.

Not cool Mother Nature!

I'm a life-long Minnesotan, born here, will probably die here.

I want snow by now.

All those cheesy tv specials with white Christmases? Yeah, that's what I want.

Scratch that.

I expect that.

We are not supposed to still be able to leave the house without hats on!

I know we're probably idiots for living in a climate like Northern Minnesota's, but damn it(!) we like it, what can I say?

Sigh. Enough venting about that.

I have missed my blogging world friends... It's good to be back :)

Can I get a witness?

2006-11-27T19:33:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I haven't written in months. I'm well aware that this fact makes me kind of a loser in the blogging world. So my deepest apologies to anyone who stumbles upon this. I'm afraid that I've lost all my blogging friends in the chaos that became my life.

I'll be back.

Summer's almost over (sigh)

2006-08-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

Yep, I'm still alive! Our summer month's are so fleeting that I made a conscious effort to stay away from my computer as much as possible. In potentially a month and a half, we may already have snow up here! It's been a really good summer for me, probably my best in years. I was able to get out kayaking a bunch, although I'm sure I wouldn't have minded getting out a few more times (of course). Hopefully, I'll still be able to get out a few more times before it starts to get chilly. I played tennis a few times (thanks Cristina!) and hopefully I can do that a few more times too. Due to a lack of funding, or unwillingness to acquire even more debt, the backyard is far from finished. But I'm happy with a start. My brother and I had a good chat about patience, which is definitely NOT a virtue of mine. And I remind myself daily of something Lindsay G. said about how we can't expect to have what our parents have, considering they've had their homes for 20+ years longer than us. It's tough though. So I'm learning to ask myself if I NEED things or if I just want them. I would like to finish the office before winter, but do I NEED to? I'm not sure. If I wait until next year, I can spring for new windows too then for the room maybe? Be a lot easier to put them in before we sheetrock it. It gets annoying having my desk here in the living room, but it's a cheaper option right now! I'm just tired of realizing how much I spend on interest every month, kinda' disheartening. Working part-time for two months didn't help out my case either though!

I've also spent a decent amount of time this summer figuring out who I am and the big moment of realization was last Sunday when I went down to watch my brother in the demolition derby at our hometown fair. I have spent a fair amount of my life trying to determine if I'm a city girl or a country girl, never quite fitting into either perfectly. I grew up on a farm, but every summer I would spend 6 weeks at my mom's in the city, where I didn't have to clean the barn and slop the hogs every day (it is slop too, it's a dry powdery feed that you add water too, that's slop in my book). My city friends would call me a hick and my country friends would make cracks about me being citified. Yeah, I'm aware that isn't a word. So even at 10 years old, I didn't know who I was and I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. When I went to college, the split in me grew even further when I discovered even more people - the hippies and the geeks. Not quite a hippie, but not totally a geek either, throw in a dash of country with some elements of city-life and you get one hell of an identity crisis. We all want to belong, right? Last Sunday I discovered that I don't care anymore if I don't totally belong to one group or the other. Simple as that. If my friends want to cast judgment, whatever. Most of the ones I have now, won't. And if they do, they should ask themselves why they are so judgmental and why they feel the need to feel better than other groups.

I really believe this is a key reason we'll never have world peace. Hear me out. We want the world to get along, yet we cast judgment on people right here in our lives. I'm just as guilty, we all know my aversion to white trash (which, yes, are different than hicks and rednecks). We all live in our little world of thinking that the hicks are low-class, the cidiots are snobs, the hippies are stoners and the geeks have no social skills. Boy, I can't imagine why there's so much conflict in the world. Our own state is divided into the metro area and the greater part of the state (not my term, just what they call it). And there's huge conflicts there, neither side can imagine how the other side can handle living where they do. People up here make cracks about the 612ers (predominant area code of the Twin Cities) and they make snide remarks about us living in the boonies. Yep, world peace here we come.

So who am I? I'm a little bit of everything and that's okay. It's not critical that I totally mesh with one world or the other. The friends I have seem to love me as is, so I need to also. I'm just me. I like kayaking, but I also like to shoot clay pigeons. I can dance just as easily to "Redneck Woman" as I can "My humps." I don't need to like oysters or pretend that I actually "get" most of the art in the Walker Museum. But I also don't have to pretend that I like the taste of cheap beer. I'm just me.

There are a lot of other things I have been discovering this summer, but being that it's a beautiful sunny day, I'm going to get my butt in the backyard. I hope all of you have been well and I look forward to getting to read all of your blogs again in a month or so! I've missed my blogging friends!

What the 4th of July means to me

2006-07-04T06:51:00.000-07:00

To me the 4th of July means...

1) that I have the right to tell anyone I want to how much I dislike our current government (I've decided Congress isn't much better than the White House Administration, so they are also subject to my wrath).

2) that I have the right to have whatever career I want to and that I can actually have a career.

3) that I have the right to write letters to the editor to express my support or non-support for any issue as long as I don't libel anyone.

4) that I have the luck to live in a country of abundance, even if that abundance is appalling to me sometimes.

5) that I live in an area of the country where I don't actually worry about terrorists striking close to home. I can sit here at the computer looking out at the sunny day, plan my day, eat my breakfast and never, ever even come close to worrying about someone blowing up my house as I sit here.

6) that I can walk down the street without a man with me, with my ankles, legs, shoulders, arms, etc. showing all that I want to, not covered with any fabric or social regulations.

7) that I can be unmarried and childfree and it doesn't really matter and I'm not forced to be married or pop out little redheads.

8) that I can stand up for myself in my relationship.

9) that I can choose my relationship.

10) that I am not able to be treated like chattel by my father.

11) that I'm allowed to be a Socialist.

12) that I'm allowed to be as religious or non-religious as I feel like, in any religion I want

13) that I need to remember that it isn't only military who defend our freedoms. There are plenty of threats to our freedom that are currently in leadership and it is up to the rest of us that aren't in the military to defend our freedoms against their attacks on them.

14) that I live in a country that separates church and state, recognizing that the most dangerous governments have tended to be ones that didn't or don't. (and yes, I do recognize that this barrier is degrading and I don't believe it's a good thing, if you do, consider if you would if it wasn't your religion)

15) that with all of the flaws in our system, there are still a lot of things to be proud of in the US. The men who fought the Revolutionary War were the insurgents of their day and their courage was amazing when you stop and think about what they did. Would we have those cajones now? Had they not succeeded... Well, I guess we would be Canada... Hmmm... that doesn't seem so bad.... :)

Yes, I get fiery when I discuss the way our country is currently. I am lucky for where I live, I know that. And that's why I fight the things I disagree with, because I can. Especially as a woman. Is our country perfect? Far from it, but there are a lot of positive things that I forget about sometimes. It pisses me off that our government has made me feel any shame towards being an American. I need to remind myself that the flag doesn't stand for our government, it stands for all of us who believe that the 1st amendment is a beautiful thing, now if only we could get more people to understand the 2nd amendment,,, but that's a subject for another day. Hope everyone has a safe 4th of July!

Lazy blogging!

2006-06-29T19:45:00.000-07:00

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? barb wire fence back on the farm!

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? A beautiful framed cross-stitch of "Footprints" that my mom made for me.

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE? A small brick! with a cool cover that is purple from some angles, green from others. I need a new one soon though :(

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO? Outlaw country, hard rock and metal

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? 3:56 a.m.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? A finished backyard

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS AT TIMES? College

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? My car, even though I barely drive it!

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? wood smoke in the winter

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? Badly, I'll tell ya'll the ship story sometime!

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? Who do you think?

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME? I don't actually have one of either!

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Dark brown

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT? Somewhere outside

16. DO YOU WATCH PORN? Will you still love me if I said yes?

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?

20. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE? I speak "Iron Range" most of the time, eh

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU? How's this for corny? My answer is "life" heh heh

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? Yep, I believe in the moment and that loving and losing is better than never loving at all.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? Show enthusiasm when you see them, cheer them on and pick them up.

30. WRITE A NUMBER FROM 1 TO A 1000? Eight hundred eighty-eight

31. BLONDE, REDHEAD, OR BRUNETTE? I am SUCH a redhead!

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN? Lindsay

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? Don't get me started on this!

34. HAVE YOU EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? No, I'm lame.

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY? Playing softball

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Hard to say, maybe my nose? But I might look funny then! Probably breast augmentation.

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY? It seemed interesting on Angie's blog.

42. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PIZZA? Pepperoni, green olives and pineapple

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL? Nothing really.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? A clean house!

45. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING BLOOD? Pray like mad.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Friend of the family

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Nah, but maybe I'll start

48.WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE? None, they're pretty beat up

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Last weekend, I got choked up because I missed my brother. So on the spur of the moment, I drove an hour and a half to see him!

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yep - I can make it really nice when I want.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? It's so bad for me, but summer sausage!

52. ANY BAD HABITS? Do we have enough time?

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? George Michael!

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Nah, way too annoying.

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? Not that I'm aware of!

56. DO LOOKS MATTER? Of course, we're talking about with the opposite sex right?

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Anger? What's anger? Is it that thing that I just bottle up hoping it goes away? Kidding. I usually vent and swear a lot and then let it go.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My cubicle!

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Yeah, I think I do. I try to see the positive in people, even though I have been burned. It gets harder and harder the older I get however.

60. WHAT EMBARASSES YOU? What doesn't? I'm so freakin' shy sometimes that any attention freaks me out. Plus I just do the dumbest things!

61. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Physical education. It's made more people hate sports than it has inspired.

62. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? You're reading it.

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM? You seriously don't know this already?

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? Nope!

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY? Sense of humor, patience, calm temperment, strong shoulders and arms, and dimples

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Jules

67. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Probably not, but I'd sky dive!

68. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Not when they get old enough!

69. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE STRONG POINTS? I would hope so!

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Ice cream, any ice cream, just give me ice cream

71. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? Aquarius(As if it weren't obvious.)

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS? Pink, lavender, silver

73. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? None anymore!

74. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? All my friends on the coasts

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Jon Stewart and "The Daily Show"

77. LAST THING YOU ATE? Kettle corn!

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Lindsay!

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? Smile and eyes

80. DO YOU LOVE THE PERSON THAT POSTED THIS? If I knew her in real life, I probably would, she seems like an amazing woman via blogspot

81. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Fairly peppy, we'll see how I feel after giving blood in the morning!

82. FAVORITE DRINK? Iced tea

83. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Bulldog

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT? Softball or kayaking, even though it's not a sport

85. HAIR COLOR? mine? red, I had to answer this above!

86. EYE COLOR? Green

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES? Contacts most of the time, but not as much since I bought my "sexy schoolteacher" glasses!

88. SIBLINGS? One older brother

89. FAVORITE MONTH? September

90. FAVORITE FOOD? Pizza

91. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Dogma

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Christmas Eve Day

93. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer

95. HUGS OR KISSES? Yes

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Relationships!

97. IF YOU COULD BE ANYWEHERE ELSE RIGHT NOW, WHERE WOULD YOU BE? Wow, I must be feeling content tonight cuz' I'm blanking here! I so do love Minnesota in the summer. Ask me again in the winter and the answers won't stop!

98. IF YOU COULD MEET ANYONE FROM HISTORY, WHO WOULD IT BE? Rachel Carson, author of "Silent Spring"

99. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Trivial Pursuit

100. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Daily Show and Colbert Report!

"I get by with a little help from my friends"

2006-06-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

Friendship truly does rock.

I know it's corny, but it's true.

People with no legal or blood ties to you. No real reason to do what they do for you.

Yet they do.

They support you, even if they think you're nuts.

They pick you up when you fall down doing the thing that made them think you were nuts.

They celebrate your success.

And feed you chocolate when you try and fail.

They even try to convince you to get back on the metaphorical (or in my case, literal) horse after you've been thrown off.

They listen to your stories, even if they've already heard them.

They think you're crazy, yet still like you.

They say wonderfully supporting things about wishing that other Bio teachers would just die already so that you could have a full-time teaching job!

They help break you out of your shyness shell, but don't push too hard if you're a little scared.

They talk to you until the wee hours of the night if they think you need it.

They make you feel like you made their day when you call them or stop by to visit them.

They make you feel special, and not in that short school bus sorta' way.

They almost transcend family sometimes.

They make a new town feel like home after you have enough of them.

They can somehow convince you to wake up early in the morning to go for walks or workout, even though the bed is infinitely more comfortable.

They don't laugh at you for listening to music that no one else your generation does.

When you cut off your long red hair, they tell you with a straight face that the new pixie cut looks really good with your pierced eyebrow!

They take you to the hospital at 6:00 in the morning when you wake up screaming because you slipped the night before on mud and strained your knee and now can't bend it.

They meet your family and although they recognize that we're a bunch of rednecks, they don't think any less of you, even though my brother has a hella' bad accent.

They buy you a keychain with Yoda on it after they discover how much you are a "Star Wars" geek.

They call 17 times on Sunday morning after church to get you to go out for breakfast with them and threaten to come over and forcibly remove you from your house if they have to.

They make way too fun roommates who hide the fact you're in the bathroom from the guy(s) you're dating by telling them that you just went to "check the mail" and you'll be back in 5

They tell you your mom's cool.

They believe in you even when you don't.

They fill your head with so many memories that you don't even know what all to write because you find that you love them so much that you don't even know where to start. They make life so worth it. They make you realize that all of the cliches about friendship are popular because they are so damned true.

And you're thankful for them everyday because they are the reason life kicks ass...

Random Thoughts 2,246,216 - 2,246,220

2006-06-06T18:00:00.000-07:00

1) I love summer. I love going for walks and smelling the lilacs on the warm summer breeze. I like walking out of the house without having to go through a procedure to get enough clothing covering all exposed areas (pesky frostbite). I love the smell of bbq. I love the abundance of fruit at the grocery store (damn the winter staples of apples, oranges and bananas). I love the world being so green. I love feeling the energy that comes with not being so cold that sitting up curled on the couch seems like the best option. I love softball games and stupid "days" that every small town in Minnesota has. I love the abundance of sunny days we've had so far. I love seeing some color on my white skin (hey, freckles count!). This summer has rocked so far.

2) Today's teenagers aren't half as cool as they think they are, just like we weren't half as cool as we thought we were and so on up the generations. I know I'm old when teenagers annoy me and I try to realize that we were probably just as annoying to the 28-year-olds when we were 18 too, but c'mon. Were we seriously that lame? Yes. Yes we were (grumbling).

3) I need stress to thrive. I already feel better being back consulting and I'm not even working on anything stressful. I like the pace. I like the atmosphere. God help me. I never thought I would say that. I'm starting to think my wires are crossed somehow. I'm actually excited to be done teaching so I can just be back there full-time. I thought the grass was greener, it just turns out it was a different kind of grass. Some people like the flavor of the teaching grass, some don't. I didn't mind it and it's not like it was awful. But I think I like the flavor of the consulting grass a little bit more.

4) I am seriously a crackhead. I just compared jobs to the taste of grass. I worry about me sometimes.

5) I am very grateful that Cristina has me going to church again. It's such a positive congregation and the message every week is a good one, not filled with fire and damnation. It's usually about love and hope and joy. Very odd. I know this is the church for me because I have yet to roll my eyes at something said by the pastor and I've went about 5 times or so, so this is pretty amazing. Usually my eyes are arollin' through the whole sermon and I feel my blood boiling and I tell myself that "I am never going to church ever again!" I'm such a cynical person and I have a lot of negative feelings towards Christianity in general, but I've found a church (or it found me) where I feel that they are focused on the right things (in my book), they aren't overly preachy and you leave feeling positive about your life and your ability to make other people's lives better. That's what speaks to me. I needed this. I needed to feel good about the faith I grew up with, the Christian Right has been stealing my faith, making me not want to associate with anything vaguely "Christian." Granted, I still have about a bazillion questions and my comfort-level with the bible and historical Christianity isn't as strong as a wet kleenex. But, my connection to the God I grew up believing in is reconnecting itself. I may not be a standard Christian, but at least this Church gives me a positive view of Christianity and makes me want to investigate my spiritual beliefs again.

This couldn't be anymore perfect

2006-06-01T17:38:00.000-07:00

I hate money!

2006-05-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

Alright,
Here's my amazing advice for today.

Keep your steady job.

Hold onto it.

Love it.

Cherish it.

Okay, maybe just love and cherish the steady paycheck.

I don't start full-time consulting until the fall. So I'm going to be teaching Upward Bound for the next month and then I'll be teaching Microbiology starting July 11th. So... Upward Bound doesn't pay until about August and I probably won't get paid for Micro until then either...

And no. I don't have any real money in savings.

I have my part-time consulting checks, but they aren't quite enough unless I start working weekends, which is starting to look better.

And I know I should have probably tried to get in 40 hours this week there, but I have to get ready for school and I'm still trying to finish off the class I'm taking through BSU.

So technically I'm broke. Now, I'm not going to lie to you. I really really want to get a lot of house projects done this summer and I'm having a hard time holding off on making some of these purchases because I know nice weather is just too fleeting in this neck of the woods.

Plus I know I'll be working full-time soon with limited vacation and therefore, I want to enjoy social things as much as possible too. Unfortunately, we all know fun seems to cost more than it used to, overall anyway. I know there is fun to be had without money, but there are definitely trips I would like to take and places I would like to go to.

So it's a dilemma, do I go even further in the hole but have a kick-ass summer AND get more house renovations done (as soon as the backsplash is done I'll post befores and afters of my kitchen)? Do I just focus on building the fence and not much more in the backyard, excluding the two gardens I already planted? Dilemmas, dilemmas. Splurge now, save and pay back later OR skimp now and enjoy money later. This wouldn't be as much of a problem if Minnesota had more than 3 months of summer.

Alright, time to quit whining and get back to working on my test! Ugh.

What would you do?

2006-05-24T10:32:00.000-07:00

Alright folks,
If you consistently got emails from extended family (pretty much just aunts and uncles) that were totally against your moral, political, religious beliefs, would you say something?

This morning I got another forward from the American Family Association with this title "Activist Judge Strikes Down Ban On Homosexual Marriage, Overruling 76% of Georgia Voters" and the following text A liberal activist judge has struck down a constitutional amendment in Georgia which made homosexual marriage illegal! She felt that she knew better than the voters how they should vote and threw out their ballots.

The constitutional amendment, passed overwhelmingly by 76% of the voters in Georgia, is now null and void.

The homosexuals are determined to win this battle. They know they will never win if the people have an opportunity to vote. So they are turning to liberal activist judges to force their will on the people. They intend to force homosexual marriage down the throats of Americans. They feel our children must be indoctrinated beginning in kindergarten that homosexuality is normal behavior.

On June 6 the U.S. Senate will vote on the Marriage Protection Amendment (MPA) which defines marriage as being only between one man and one woman. Because of a power grab by activist judges like the one in Georgia, the MPA is the only way that the sacred institution of marriage will remain between one man and one woman." End of article.

Now, I'm completely appalled by this type of email and I won't go into the multitude of reasons why I am disgusted by it. It's not just the overall content, it's the way it's sent out there. Phrases like "activist judges" "power grab" "force down the throats" It's fairly hateful language to me. And it pretty much annoys me too.

So, I debate emailing my entire family to tell them "hey, you know what? Not all of us on your email list believe in the same "values" that you do. Please don't email me this propaganda anymore or my bleeding-heart, liberal ass will beat you at the next family function just like the good republican you think I am or should be." Of course, I know this wouldn't do any good, they'd all be out praying for my lost soul or just sending my father to yell at me for feeling the way I do about these issues. In a way, it's probably good for me to see what republicans believe in, this helps me to further my defense of my beliefs. But it also makes me see them as a bunch of nut-jobs, which isn't fair, because not all of them are. Most simply believe that they are somehow doing the right thing.

The thing with this gay marriage debate that really kills me though is this silly idea that marriage is sacred in our country. Our country with a 50% divorce rate. Yeah, really phucking sacred (look! I can swear without swearing! curses you blogger who taught me that!). I don't know how in the HELL gay marriage could phuck it up anymore than we heteros have managed to. I don't remember gay people being the cause of my parent's divorce!

I may be Republican on some issues (mostly fiscal, but even our president isn't republican on that based on his wonderful track record), but so help me God, you will never convince me that our families are in trouble because of gay people. I think it may have a lot more to do with other social forces that I won't get into right now because I'd rather go putz and plant flowers (good little hippie that I am).

Dirty lil' girl

2006-05-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

Well now that I have your attention (what's wrong with you people?)! All I meant was that my clothes and hands were dirty from working this morning! Pervs...

I spent a lovely spring/summer morning planting trees in my backyard and I'm pretty pleased with my ability to stay focused! Also pleased with my ability to dig holes (thank god for a sandy backyard!). But I got my 3 crabapples, 9 elderberries, and 12 plum trees (phew!). I think I'm good for awhile.

The problem is staying patient and waiting for the little buggers to grow up and be something someday. Our generation really has problems with instant gratification, don't we? I bought bare-root trees and they are only a few years old, so they're just little guys. But I realize if I just take good care of them, they are supposed to grow almost a foot a year, so patience, patience, patience.

Now I just have to get that pesky fence up.

And plant some flowers, yep, gotta' plant some flowers. And put up the gazebo and and and

I suppose at some point I should actually consider working so that I can pay for all of these things I "need." Once again, instant gratification. I somehow think that my summer should just be magically transformed into an urban jungle (a nice lush green place, not a slaughterhouse for those of you who know your literature). It's so hard to take things in phases. Hence, why my house has about 6 unfinished projects at all times.

Sigh

It looks like our beautiful day is disappearing on us, getting cloudy, getting cool out. Guess I don't get to go kayaking tonight. Hopefully this weekend is nice since Jen and Dave are heading this direction (yippee!) with their kayaks (double yippee!).

Alright, I'll quit procrastinating and get back to other matters.

Cheers ya'll!

"School's out for summer"

2006-05-15T12:12:00.000-07:00

Granted, I'll be teaching again in about 3 weeks, but...

It's kinda' weird. The school gets eerily quiet after finals are done. Feels like a ghost town. It'll be nice when Upward Bound gets started again, I'd rather have too much noise in the hallways then the dead silence that we have right now. But dear god, do I have a lot to still prepare for! I'm going with a forensic science curriculum for this summer that I still need to develop!

And consulting is going to be keeping me plenty busy until teaching starts up, so if my hair starts turning gray you know why!

200 posts!!!

2006-05-09T19:18:00.000-07:00

The last post was my 200th post and I'm starting to think Jamie's right and real bloggers don't use myspace. I wrote this huge post today and then it got chowed down. Myspace just runs soooo slow sometimes too! So I think I may stick with this site, I have my loyalty. Myspace is kinda' cool, but I don't know, it doesn't have the same feel to it, so I might have to do what Jamie did and link to my blog on there! If any of you are interested in the profile, it's at http://www.myspace.com/cyclone2525

Anyways: Here's my post from today...

Grrr...

While I'm grrring, excuse me while I jump up to the top of my soapbox...

Today's lesson boys and girls - hate is bad.

This is a tough world we live in. There's a lot of scary stuff out there and it's a precarious existence even on our best days (ask my brother who just survived carbon monoxide poisoning). So why the hate? Put it away, it's not a nice color on you.

Seriously. Acceptance and tolerance are not the opposite of hate. I can tolerate bratty kids. Does it mean I love them for the creation they are?! Hardly. I can accept your choice to hurt me. Does it mean I'm cool with it? Heck no, it still hurts.

Why can't people love one another and just let others be? Especially for things that aren't personally causing you damage!

So someone wants to be gay and get married to their partner. Does that mean that my relationship with my future husband is somehow threatened? Uhh- no.

So someone is a different color and speaks differently. Does that mean they are going to try and rob you? Depends. I'm kidding!!!

Seriously. Being judgmental has got to go. We all have our struggles, our imperfections, our straight up flaws. It doesn't mean we're not human. The perfect people of the world scare me, because I can't imagine what they're trying so hard to hide.

I'm tired.

And not just because I barely slept last night.

I'm tired of the hate. I'm tired of the gay-bashing. I'm tired of racial fears. I'm tired of the caste system that we have developed in the US and I'm tired of trying to keep up with the Joneses (if you've seen my tiny house, you realize the tongue-in-cheek nature of that).

$#@^ acceptance. &#$& tolerance. Let's try loving people for just being people who are trying to get through life just like everyone.

As for the pedophiles, random murderers, and rapists though? I'm down with stringing them up, my love only goes so far

Where have I been?

2006-05-07T07:13:00.000-07:00

Wow! The school year is basically done, except for a few finals. Unbelievable. I cannot believe it has been 9 months since I quit my last job to take this one.

Was it worth it?

Yeah, I think so. I had a lot of fun teaching, but I learned that it isn't where I'm supposed to be right now. I really started to miss the consulting world, the business world in general. I miss the lack of bureaucracy, lack of red-tape and annoying timelines for things to get done. In the business world, things are all supposed to have been done 3 days ago :) There aren't the strict procedures and I feel that there's a lot more common sense involved when people are dealing with making a profit. Money keeps people focused.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why the government and school systems operate the way they do, it just doesn't work for me.

So I'm going back to consulting and back to the original company I worked for. I received an offer from an international corporation with a branch in a nearby city up here, but...

It just didn't feel right. I'm not really the corporate type (is it the Nike's that tipped me off?).

And I dreaded telling the first company that I was leaving and that says something. I didn't really want to, but the money and the opportunities from the other company were mighty tempting. But something didn't feel right...

So this summer I will be back part-time consulting and teaching part-time at the college.

Fun, fun.

I have all of these grand plans for doing stuff this summer and getting out more, but we'll see how that goes... Gotta' break through my occasional funks and I'll be golden.

Back to work here, beautiful Sunday and I'm trying to get my schoolwork done. I hate procrastination for that simple reason.

Happy Sunday everyone!

Btw, I'm contemplating blogging more on Myspace or Yahoo where I can regulate who reads what. If you're interested, I will send you a link...

"Had my hand on the dollar bill

2006-04-05T14:14:00.000-07:00

and the dollar bill blew away, but the sun is shining down on me and it's here to stay"

Six weeks left at school.

Gulp.

I'll be back at the consulting company before I even know it. And that's not the worst thing. But is it what I want to be doing next fall?

I will be teaching Upward Bound at the beginning of summer and a biology summer course in the 2nd half, so I'll only be part-time. But then there's fall.

Gulp.

There's still a chance I might be teaching part-time, but that'd be it. Maybe one class.

There's a part of me that's kinda' tired of the whole waiting around thing at the school. But there's another part of me that says I should continue to pay my dues and something will work out. It's hard to know what to do.

I'm being semi-recruited by a different consulting firm up here. They have a small branch here, but it's an international company with presumably deep pockets. Not that I'm greedy, but I am also not stupid. I say semi-recruited because nothing has been discussed in detail yet, just a lot of innuendo. It could be good to find out details so I have bargaining leverage though with the current consulting company.

Gulp.

I really thought that by 28 I would have all of this figured out.

I truly hate decisions, but I also realize I should be grateful that I have the decisions to make. So this isn't whining, it's just confusion and trying to figure out my feelings about everything.

Is it wrong that sometimes I wish I just had a rich husband and I could just volunteer places and meet the girls for lunch?

P.S. I just discovered I'm old. I actually just told some kids "you guys need to stop biking through my yard" or some similar fuddy-duddy statement. Ouch baby. Ouch.

"Six days on the road

2006-04-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

and I'ma gonna' make it home tonight"

Thanks for the link NWJR! It was weird to see the states and provinces I've visited in this format (red ones). Granted some of them were a pass-through, maybe stop for food. But still... Some of them (which will remain nameless Nebraska) I had little reason to stay in any longer.

Traveling by plane takes away something for me. I used to be frustrated that my mom wouldn't fly anywhere, but now seeing the places I've been able to drive through makes me kind of glad now (especially the Canadian trip). I'm also happy now that I took two trips with my step-dad when he was still a truck driver, that accounts for a decent portion of the states (such a great view when traveling the country in an 18-wheeler). And I'll never regret traveling to Alaska with Jennie, I learned then that you should never put off things like that, you can never guarantee that you'll be able to "do that in a few years when I..." have more money, time, etc. Trips to see Jay and Deb and visit schools, family trips, trips paid for by previous employers (those are the best!). I feel sorry for people who haven't had the same opportunities...

I miss traveling. I miss not having a job or cats sometimes (sorry furballs, but you're not helping matters). I have had some great road trips and someday I plan to have a bunch more.

((( I had a good day today)))

"I've always been crazy

2006-04-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

but it's kept me from goin' insane."

Thank you Kira, Firefly and Dragonfly for the great advice! You all struck on chords of truth for me. The rainy weather and my eating habits have definitely NOT helped out how I feel and Dragonfly's right in that I need to just start with one step. So tonight I had a simple sandwich for dinner with some grapes instead of melting cheese onto something and pretending that counts as dinner. And although I watched "The Simpsons" I lifted weights during it instead of just slouching on the couch.

Baby steps.

I need to snap out of it and I will. But I'm going to do something different this time around. I'm going to change some habits around and get back to my healthy ways, but I'm also going to make a major step and make an appointment with a counselor and stick to it even if I start to feel better. I need to get at my underlying issues...

We had my niece's baptism today and I was feeling like yelling "I'm a fraud! I'm not Catholic! I can't do this! I can't live this lie!" But it all went ok. Well, excluding the get-together at my brother's house afterwards. His house was much too small for both sets of my parents to be there. Way too awkward. Mostly because they are way too stupid sometimes. It doesn't have to be that way. And my sister-in-law's family can be frustrating. But whatever. I got to hold my niece and I got to talk to my brother, so in my little world, all is well.

My family has felt some division in the last year since my first niece was born, but I refuse to let it stay divided.

Off for some more exercise. I just need to get off of the couch and do it. I know I can get back to "normal." It's going to be a busy week, but I'm going to get through it sanely.

I promise.

And thanks chicas!

"Excuse me while I tend to how I feel

2006-04-01T14:32:00.000-08:00

cuz' things return to me that still seem real."

It's been a long week, with way more emotional stuff going on than I care for.

And I don't know why exactly.

Sometimes I would pay to shut my brain off.

And I try to stay peppy and happy. I like to be the person that keeps people smiling and doesn't bring down the mood.

But I guess my exterior covering broke down a little.

I thought I was doing well.

But a student noticed. And asked me if everything was alright because I just didn't seem like myself.

Kudos to him. Even I hadn't fully realized it.

I knew I was off, but...

I wish I had a specific reason to feel depressed, because I could just fix that reason.

But I don't.

Life is grand. Yeah it could obviously get better, but I have a pretty blessed life.

I haven't felt like emailing/calling people or blogging.

And I've just felt like I'm in a funk.

Sometimes I think about going to counseling and dealing with some things.

But then I have a good day/week/month and I forget that I have problems sometimes.

And then it strikes.

I think knowing that I don't get to teach next year makes me sad.

Not losing any weight bums me out.

But there's something else.

And I can't put my finger on it.

I just feel lethargic and blue. I know exercise would make me feel better, but it just seems so tough to leave the house.

And I really like exercise and the outdoors, so this is odd...

It's frustrating and I should get help, but I just know it will pass soon and I'll wonder why I could have been feeling this way and I'll be embarassed that I even told anyone that I wasn't perfectly happy.

Grrr to myself. Grrr...

My blog in one big chunk

2006-03-24T12:39:00.000-08:00

What sound does a week make...

2006-03-24T12:02:00.000-08:00

when it goes flying past you? I am so behind on emails and phone calls and of course, the class I'm taking. Oops. It's hard to believe, but I guess working one full-time and one part-time job just might be a dumb choice. Shocking isn't it? But since I know now that there aren't any classes for me to teach next year, I have to look out for myself and start getting back into the consulting groove. What a transition that will be...

Teaching is tough. Don't get me wrong. But it's tough in a fun way. Consulting? It's tough in an ulcer, worried about bids and billable hours sort of way. But the problem with me, one of many, is that I almost thrive on the stress of it at times. Hopefully someday there will be a full-time job teaching out there for me, but until then... Might as well be stressed while I can be?

Part of it is the company. We're an environmental firm, but I've been regularly informed that we don't want people thinking we're a "green" firm. WTH? Our main clients are the mining companies so "we don't want to appear that we're on the same side as the regulators." You know who the regulators are right? They're the people who are trying to make sure we have clean air and water. Yeah... I already see the potential problems I will have in going back full-time. If you're reading this Dan, when can we start our own company?

When I was getting out of grad school I was so wonderfully idealistic and I honestly believed that if people knew the damage they were causing the environment and themselves through their actions, they would knock it the hell off. 4 years later I am horribly pessimistic about people. No one really gives a shit about their health or their neighbor's health or the health of the entire ecosystem. Obviously I'm generalizing here and starting a vicious rant. $$$ that's what people care about. $$$ It's all about profit and ease of life. Nevermind that profit and your ease of life is killing God's creatures, including the two-legged non-furry (except in the case of certain men and Eastern European women) ones. Sometimes I can't help but think that our actions towards God's creation are going to come up when we die. Not that I have any real clue what happens to us when we die (great conversation the other day Lindsay E.!), but I like to think that whatever made us all is really pissed off about all of the environmental degradation and the people that are killing us secondhandedly with chemicals will pay for it.

If the ecosystem is sick, so are we.

What a rant, I can't say I feel better, but...

Yay Me!

2006-03-19T13:18:00.000-08:00

My brother called this morning to ask if I would be my niece's godmother to which I, of course, said yes. It seems odd to ask someone with as weird of religious beliefs as me to be a godmother, but what the heck? What they don't know won't hurt them. And in my defense, my views aren't any odder than the Catholicism that they subscribe to (mwah ha ha).

It's just weird...

Am I allowed to play favorites with my nieces when they aren't even toddlers yet?

I just feel a connection to the younger one that I never felt with the older one and I've only seen her once. And now that she's my godchild, I feel it's even stronger. Even though I don't even know my godmother since my parents seem to have just randomly picked someone! So it's not like it really matters!

They asked my uncle to be the godfather which is really cool since he's been there for us our whole lives. He lived with us when he went to college and then we lived with him and my grandparents after the divorce. He's the only uncle who regularly sees how I'm doing, calls on my birthday, things like that. He's a good cat.

So yeah, I feel a strange connection to my little niece. Maybe it's because she's the 2nd and there wasn't the big hoopla that there was for her older sister. No one rushed to the hospital to see her, obviously there were no showers for her since her sister is only 13 months older than her. So I think I just feel for her. I think she's going to end up the rebellious one potentially living in the shadow of her bubbly blonde sister (she's a brunette just like her dad). Of course I could be completely wrong. My brother and I flip-flopped on the standard personality traits that are supposed to happen with birth order. I'm outgoing and massively Type A and well, he's not.

But anyways, yeah me! I finally get to be a godmother! I know this seems weird, but I've always wanted to be one. Yep, I'm a dork. Does this mean I get to extra-spoil her?

Almost Spring!

2006-03-15T10:11:00.000-08:00

I'm holding onto hope that spring is coming soon. I'm ignoring the fact that it just snowed the other day :)

Wow! Do I suck or what?

2006-03-13T15:54:00.000-08:00

March 1st was my last post?! Yowsa! Everyday I tell myself to write and late at night little random thoughts get caught in the cobwebs of my mind and I think "I should really make sure to write about this tomorrow." And then? The next day I get caught in eight different directions and the next thing I know I'm sleeping again.

So the subject of this post is my brain. Well, for a little while until I get distracted by something else.

There.

That tells you about my brain.

When I was a kid, we didn't have ADHD. Nope, we were just misbehaving kids. Or as my report cards all said "Julie has a problem with talking during class and her mind wanders a lot." But Ritalin? Nope. Not for us Gen X kids. We just got a stern talking to and a lot of trips to the principal. Occasionally a butt-whupping from the old man. But psychoactive drugs? Nah...

How much different could my life have ended up? Instead of drugging me up, my teachers encouraged me. They pushed me into, of all things, a gifted and talented program so that I had extra stimuli and challenges. This is why I still love teachers and refuse to believe that all public schools have gone to hell. Because they were good to me.

They saw things in me. They knew my homelife was screwy and they took care of me. They encouraged me. They believed in me.

Teachers can make a difference.

My parents officially divorced the summer after 2nd grade. With my mom gone across the country somewhere and my dad holding onto his job in Minneapolis, I was sent to live with my mom's mom. It meant I had to change schools and of course, change friends and everything else. Plus the school wasn't as tough as my old one, so I was way ahead of my classmates and boredom soon set in. Plus I missed my brother who went to live with my dad's mom.

So at 8 years old, I demanded that I get to live with my other grandma, which I learned later my mom's mom thought was all my dad's doing. But it wasn't.

This meant I had to change schools again and go back to my old one and it was right before Christmas break. All of my classmates had already exchanged names for the Christmas party, but I hadn't been able to (and yep, we still had Christmas parties back then, the lone Jehovah's Witness got to stay home from school). Of course nobody realized this until the day of the party.

I will never forget Mrs. Carlson for what she did.

Sometime in the morning she must have realized that I wouldn't be getting a present. When the time came for everyone to open presents in the afternoon, I was sitting there so dejected feeling. Obviously it wasn't just about the presents, it was caused more by the turmoil of my homelife, but the presents just made it seem worse. And she walked over to me with a wrapped gift. It wasn't anything overly special, just a little mini-piano with batteries that you could play little tinny music on. But it could have been a Grand for the way it made me feel that day. She told me years later that she had run out on her lunch break because she wanted to make sure I felt included in the festivities. It was a huge deal to a little 8-year-old me at my first Christmas without married parents.

Told you I would get distracted by something else :)

Attacked by Vampires!

2006-03-01T17:06:00.000-08:00

Well now that I've gotten' your attention...

I gave blood today at our school's annual blood drive that I coordinated this year since the person I'm replacing on sabbatical typically does it.

And boy am I sleepy.

I just want to plug the idea of blood donation. I never realized how much blood they go through. I never realized how many medical situations require blood. It was always in my head that it was just car accidents or other sorts of accidents. Forgetting completely that some people have blood diseases or some surgeries aren't exactly nice and clean and blood-free. I started donating after 9/11 happened, but took a few years off because I didn't know where to donate up here when I moved. But now I'm in the system so I'm going to try to do it every two months. I figure that I can, so I should. I don't have tattoos, I haven't travelled overseas or down to certain areas of Mexico, I'm healthy and I definitely meet the weight requirement.

Partly I view it as a karma thing. As I tend to view everything.

You never know when you may need it and you're hoping someone else has donated.

Especially after I found out that only 2% of people have my blood type.

It only hurts a little bit and c'mon, they even give you juice and a snack. And we all know I love my snacks.

Oh! and cross your fingers because I get my first test back on Friday for the class I'm taking through BSU. I'll keep you posted. It's the first test I've taken since 2002 (gulp!).

Down with the Establishment!

2006-02-27T13:08:00.000-08:00

How is it that the generation most known for being rebels (hippies) and challenging everything have become the establishment? And a nasty, lame establishment at that. I realized I've been screwing up.

I used to say I was all about freedom of speech. But only if it wasn't offensive or icky or hate speech.

But that's not freedom.

Larry Flynt, owner of Hustler, is in my humble opinion a skeezy, skeezy man. However, in America he should have freedom of speech. So although I'm not really down with the hardcore porn, I should support his freedom to publish it.

For one really simple reason.

I don't have to buy it. [but I can't resist (sarcasm)]

I am somewhat prudish, I'll admit it. If I had kids, they would probably never get to watch tv. I'm actually somewhat shocked by tv. The funny thing is this is coming from a woman who swears like a sailor and says inappropriate things at all the wrong moments. But what can I say?

I don't have to watch. [but the remote is stuck]

The people who fight for "decency" and such really get to me. For the simple reason - we have the power to not participate. Don't watch, quit buying the hardcore if you bugs you. mwah ha ha

And I still detest hate speech. I think it's dangerous and it's intimidating and it's just not cool. But it has to be free. Cuz' where do you draw the line? Some would consider political rallies hate speech if you think about it. And lord knows I hate me the president pretty hardcore. Not as hardcore as Hustler, but not as softcore as Playboy either ;)

So back to the establishment. Shame on you babyboomers for forgetting what you stood for. Shame on you for not encouraging the younger generation. You whine that we're apathetic. Are we? Or are we just scared? (This is obviously a rant based on a recent event in my life, I just don't feel like details). Guide us. Lead us oh baby boomers. Encourage our crazy radical progressive thoughts. Show us that you didn't just end up a bunch of sheep. Prove to us that rebellion can work. Don't be the bureaucracy you used to despise.

I'd had to post this...

2006-02-25T10:35:00.000-08:00

I saw Dragonfly's posting with her being Scooter, so my curiousity was piqued...
How accurate is this test?

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts.
You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary.
But you sure can beat a good drum.
"Kill! Kill!"

The Muppet Personality Test

Cabin Fever

2006-02-25T08:59:00.000-08:00

I really need to get on here more :)

But I think I've finally figured out why every year at this time, I get so unhappy and lazy. Basic Ugh feeling.

It's simple really.

There's no significance to this time of year.

Starting around late August/early September, it starts to be autumn in this neck of the woods. There's this certain feeling in the air that I just love. Halloween is around the corner and although I never really do anything special for Halloween, I just like the time of year. It's the time for apple cider and apple pies and decorating your house with silly black and orange things and I love the fall colors (they match my hair so well!). There's cool tv shows about haunted places and creepy stories and I'm a sucker for it all. And that lasts comfortably into November...

where Christmas season starts. Which I love just as much. Give me the sappy music and sleigh bells and ho ho ho and let me decorate my house like I have kids (which I don't if you remember) with a big fat tree and lights everywhere and once again give me my food. Give me some more apple cider and hot chocolate and etc.etc.

But then Christmas goes away. Now I'm growing sick of snow, which never looks magical after December 25th. I start to really grow tired of not seeing green. I have no holidays to look forward to (and no, Valentine's does not constitute a Holiday, sorry Hallmark). I wouldn't mind doing outdoorsy wintery things, but I'm not dying to either.

So I have the blahs until May. We don't really have spring up here, we did when I was a kid but now it seems like winter just ends one day and summer begins the next. And oh! how I love summer. I love kayaking and going for long walks without risk of frostbite. I love having the windows open and going for drives without worrying about how my car will handle it. I love putzing around outside, especially this next summer when I will have an official backyard. I love running outside without taking 10 minutes to bundle up. And don't forget food, it always comes back to food. Give me fruit, lots of fruit and fresh veggies. And lemonade... And heat, sweet warm heat.

So that's my problem, I have nothing this time of year. Maybe I need a good indoor hobby? Maybe I need to find some late winter tradition to start or something. Or maybe I just need a swift kick in the behind...

Friends...

2006-02-16T07:39:00.000-08:00

Today I'm tipping my hat to friends...

As I sit here home sick, I have to feel a little better when two friends do things to make me smile...

1st I have to thank Dan for going to my doctor for me to pick up my birth control pills since I am out of pills and have to start a new pack tomorrow morning and the doctor isn't open tomorrow. Lord knows I don't have the energy to get dressed and go downtown. So thank you Dan for doing something most men would never do for a friend. Lindsay has taught him well :) Hee hee

2nd I have to thank Firefly for the beautiful shawl she made for me! What a surprise! Hopefully it wasn't sitting on my front porch for too long :) I always use our other door so I didn't realize it was there even until we drove by! It is soooo soft and warm :) and with Saturday's temperature predicted to be 20 below (Farhenheit!) I'm going to need as much as I can to keep me warm. This poor old house gets mighty cold. Thank you so much :D

Alright, back to the couch...

We have a name!!!

2006-02-10T14:07:00.000-08:00

I was reading a post by Angie awhile ago about naming cars and I realized my poor car still didn't have a name yet. I've had her for 2 1/2 years, but she only has 26,000 miles so her and I just haven't bonded. So she had no name.

I know this seems silly, but it probably doesn't if you know me :)

My first car was Babe which was short for Babe the Blue Ox because she was a big light blue 1980 2-door Cutlass Supreme that made it all the way through college with me (and I graduated college in 2000!). She was great but I had to move on to a car with AC and cruise control.

So I bought my 98 Cranberry colored 4-door Neon. On a long road trip to Pittsburgh, a song from the 60's came on the radio and struck inspiration.

"Why do you build me up,,, Buttercup baby just to let me down"

She became Buttercup. It just fit her. She was a bubble gum car and definitely not what you'd predict me to be driving.

And she was wonderful and much loved, but alas, she started to have problems at 80,000 miles and I couldn't bear it for too long. So I let her go to a nice new family that could love her and take care of her.

And I bought her. The aloof silver car that is sitting in my driveway right now. But like I said, we liked each other, but I never felt that connection to her, so she was never named.

And then last week I was telling a friend the story of Buttercup and how she got her name. And I told him how when I was in high school I always thought the song was about someone named Veronica, not Buttercup.

And it hit.

Veronica.

Aloof.

Sleek sounding.

Reminded me of the girl from the old Archie comics actually.

Veronica.

What a perfect name for my girl.

Days go by and still I think of you...

2006-02-09T06:44:00.000-08:00

I know. Odd title. The "days go by" part came to my head first when I realized how long it had been since I have posted.

Life is insane.

Seriously.

I miss blogging and I miss reading blogs. I think I'm going to crack one of these days.

I'm just mentally frantic and I can't get focused no matter what I do.

I need a vacation.

And yeah, we're going to the Cities next weekend, but it will be hard to relax because I have a take-home test to do for a class I'm taking this semester. I get it next Tuesday and I have a week to do it. Yep, a week to do it. However, I will be in the Cities over the weekend as I said. The only good thing is that I have Monday the 20th off for President's Day. But I would rather not procrastinate that long on it.

I just need a break. My desk is a mess, my mind is a mess. I think I have too much going on.

Let's see. Full-time job teaching. Part-time (ok it's like 5 hrs a week max) consulting. Taking a class. Trying to get in shape. Thank goodness I don't have kids. I'd be insane by now.

Speaking of kids, my brother had another little girl. I'm really not happy about the name, it's very harsh and I think it's a city in Texas or something like that. I just feel bad for her. Plus I've realized that the second or later kids really get a bum deal. When my first niece was born last January, people sped to the hospital to get to see her. This time people were like "yawn, I'll wait till she gets home." And I can't help but wonder if that's how it will always be for her. "Yawn, we just did the same thing for Rayna last year." To be one year younger, I feel bad. So I think if I spoil any of them, it might have to be the second one, because people aren't half as excited about her. My mom has went crazy over Rayna, but it seems like Riata (see, I told you it was harsh sounding) just doesn't make people as googly-eyed. It's just weird to see.

Anyways, off to teach my long day. I have 4 labs from 12:00 to 8:00 tonight with a 10 minute break between each. I really dread Thursdays. My office hour is from 9:00 to 10:00 followed by College Bio from 10:00 to 11:00 and then I have a meeting from 11:00 to 12:00. Ugh, I hate Thursdays.

Sorry for the downer post, just feeling blah...

Where do my days go?

2006-01-31T18:02:00.000-08:00

Seriously. Where the hell do they go? I look at my calendar and gasp at the realization that it's February tomorrow. I think about writing all of the time, but can't seem to find the time to do so. Teaching is by far one of the most difficult jobs I've ever had, especially for one reason, you don't get time by yourself. You're always on display, performing. Or students are in your office or you're off at meetings. It's go go go constantly. Which is great for someone like me who needs constant stimulation (ADD anyone?). But it wears you out also. I understand why teachers get sabbaticals. And you work way more hours per week than at a regular job. People don't believe that because technically I'm only in class twenty-some hours a week. But they forget about prep-time and grading time and setting up lab time. It adds up to a whole buncha' hours. Granted it will get easier the more years I have been teaching. I barely have to review Environmental Science at all. That helps a bunch...

Anyways, life is okay. I feel frazzled by the students though. They are actually getting lazier. And just apathetic and it's tough. Any other teacher seeing this? I feel like a comedian who can't get the audience to laugh. It just makes you feel kinda' awkward when no one responds to you. Very awkward sometimes actually.

And... I've lost about 4 pounds on my diet and exercise program. It's not really a program, but that just has a nice ring to it. So only 14 pounds left to go :)

Hope all is wonderful in e-land. Hope to get my butt on here on a more regular basis :)

B is for beauty

2006-01-22T19:25:00.000-08:00

Wow! Thanks to all of my beautiful friends!

I feel so amazingly empowered by all of your comments. Seriously. I feel so awesome right now and so positive.

I'm working on getting back in shape, so that's step one. Working out will have me feeling better about my body.

Step two is some wardrobe and hair/makeup help. This is where Lindsay comes in. She helped me with my hair for New Years, so hopefully she can teach me some tricks. My hair is getting so long and it's about time I learned how to do something with it!

Wow, I had so much else to write tonight, but I just need to thank you guys. I have struggled with this for so long (at least 10 years) and it needs to end.

Female friendships (both real and e-life) are really the key to happiness (let's not tell the men!). There's something about friendship and support... I'm sure I'll need some support before that night, but I'm feeling so strong right now :) Thanks so much!

Kira - in my book, you are one of the beautiful women. You are confident, strong, funny, caring and although I've never seen you, I'm guessing you are stunning. Hey, you're a redhead!

Firefly - I used to have a problem making female friends too, almost all of my friends were male. Women made me nervous and still sometimes too. What helped me was realizing that we're all in this together and that if I treated women the way I wanted to be treated, that it would come full circle. I used to view women as competition too, not saying you do that, just relating what I did. Luckily, I learned that we can all succeed together. My hope is that if I'm not competitive, they won't be either and we can just all be supportive.

ldjay - anxiety is the worst, isn't it? You feel like your chest is tightening and you can't breathe, your legs are wobbly. It's incredible what it does to your body. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps to know that I'm not alone and that other people have felt that way. There have been times when I really wanted to leave conferences or meetings where I didn't already have a friend there.

FeistyMNgirl - oh yeah, we definitely need to go out one of these days! I really need to get my butt out of here more! And you know you're hot when you go out! How can you not be with the rockin' freckles :)

I've been tagged!

2006-01-18T19:39:00.000-08:00

She got me!

So here goes!

Four Jobs I've Had:
Biology Instructor
Environmental consultant
Resource Conservationist
Research Assistant

What a geek!

Four Movies I Watch Over and Over Again:
Smokey and the Bandit
Lilo and Stitch
Office Space
O Brother Where Art Thou

Four Places I've Lived:
Duluth, MN
Moose Lake, MN
Virginia, MN
I've never ventured anywhere else!

Four T.V. Shows I Watch:
Invasion
Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends
Simpsons/Family Guy
Buffy/Angel

Four Places I've Been on Vacation:
Alaska
Boston
Orlando
Banff

Four Websites I Visit Daily:
Reading all of your blogs!
MSN
Yahoo
Reading comics!

Four Favorite Foods:
Tacos
Pizza (w/pepperoni, green olives and pineapple)
Grilled cheese
Yogurt

Four Places I'd Like to Be Right Now:
Somewhere warm
Somewhere where the sun stays up past 5:00 pm and gets up before 8:00 am
Somewhere with pretty buildings
Somewhere green

Four bloggers I'm tagging:
I don't know!

A is for Anxiety

2006-01-18T16:47:00.000-08:00

First off, thanks to all of you who encouraged me to write my feelings. I felt all warm and fuzzy and so grateful that I've e-met you :) And Trish, you know I always love you!

I'm feeling very blah right now in my life. I get like this every year around this time. I don't know if it's the short days, the cold weather or just plain seasonal depression (which I guess would be caused by the first two!). No matter where I live or what I do for a living, I get antsy. I start fantasizing about where I would like to live and how any other job is probably a better fit than the one I have. I don't get it, my brain clearly has some issues.

So as part of my New Year's resolutions and as a result of my impending birthday, I have decided I need to make some changes to my life. A friend of mine has a calendar in her office that says this month something about how we do not find ourselves, we create ourselves. Well, I'd like to create myself to be a little bit different. Don't get me wrong. Overall, I'm very happy with myself, but some things need modification.

Starting with my anxiety problems. I'm really tired of having social anxiety. And occasional work-related anxiety. Let's start with social anxiety.

I have this stupid mental thing about not being one of the "beautiful" people. I'm not saying I'm ugly. I'm just not one of those girls, some of you know what I mean. If you don't, you're probably the beautiful girl! If so, congrats.

I'm too old to care what people think about me. I don't want to hide behind fleeces and baggy jeans the rest of my life.

It never used to be this way though. At high school dances, you couldn't get me to stop dancing. And I wore cute baby-doll t-shirts (it was the 90's, they were cool, cut me some slack). I wanted to be sexy. I wanted attention. Now I hide. I try to blame it on unwanted attention in the past, both physical and plain old leering. But that's lame. I'm not 18 years old anymore! So is it insecurity? If so, that's lame too. Who really cares what other women think? Unfortunately, me still.

So I have no answers for myself tonight. Only questions. But at least with the question clear, I can formulate some solutions.

Mental vacation...

2006-01-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,
I'll be back sporadically. I think I'm going into mental hibernation, so a lot of my posts will be self-examining. Forgive me for awhile and I'll understand if I lose my few readers. I'll still be reading all of your blogs :)

New Diet!!! Lose 3 pounds overnight!!!

2006-01-07T09:05:00.000-08:00

All you have to do is catch the same stomach virus that I did! Two days later and I'm still not totally myself yet. Ugh.

I take it as a positive sign that I could sit at the computer long enough to read some emails this morning. That's actually an improvement, how pathetic is that? I'm going to attempt to go to the grocery store today. I can't believe how weak I am! I hadn't been this sick for over 10 years probably. The funny thing to me is how even at this age, I still want my mom to come and take care of me when I'm that sick. So there's my kudos to all moms out there. There's a lot of power in being a mom.

On the other hand, I can't believe the anxiety dreams I'm having about spring semester! You would think I was still a student! I had a dream the other night that I realized right before my first class that I didn't have my syllabus copied off for the students so I had to run around and try to get it taken care of, but by the time I got back to the class they were all leaving and convinced I was totally incompetent. So I went to my second class, knowing they were all students I had fall semester so they wouldn't care if they had the syllabus or not. But when I walked in, it was a totally different set of students! The not funny part of that is that Friday I was going to take care of making copies of my syllabus for Monday and I ended up home sick. Hmmm...

Alright, that's about all of the energy I had.

Hope you all have a great weekend and don't get sick!

Thank you all so much hug

2006-01-03T18:12:00.000-08:00

I don't have a lot of time to write anything tonight.

Anyways, I have a lot of work to do with my family, but your advice and support are much appreciated and as things progress, I'll keep you all updated. Right now I'm weighing out my options and trying to preoccupy myself with other things. Like the fact that school starts next week and they just had me move my office!

Thanks again everyone :)

Happy New Year! I need a hug.

2006-01-02T10:22:00.000-08:00

Yep, my New Year is off to a shaky start at best. And that's ignoring the fact that I can't seem to access any of the files off of my old computer that I burned onto a CD. So back to square one on my spring semester biology powerpoints. Thanks a lot Microsoft.

I'm just clueless as to how to deal with my sibling situation. I miss him so much, but I don't know that the guy I miss is the guy that exists now. Does that make sense? My brother has changed so much and I feel like he decided he only has room for his wife and her side of the family. I don't feel like I matter at all really. They see her family on a weekly basis. I go months without seeing them. They are having my niece's birthday party in the middle of the week, even after I told them that I'm teaching night classes this semester. It's not like I can make it next week. So I kinda' doubt that I'll even be sending a present. Maybe when she gets older and understands who the presents are even from... Then I'll send presents and she'll read the card and say "Who's Auntie Julie?"

And it sucks. And my mom is hellbent on something, I'm not sure what. She says it's her right to spoil her grandkids, but I really think she's going overboard. At least emotionally. She won't blame my brother and her wife for their actions, she still believes everything is her fault. "They don't come visit because I left you kids." Yeah mom, 20 years ago and you've more than made up for it. If my brother can't fucking let it go, then he's an idiot and not a very nice person. So they rarely visit my mom or they act kinda' weird to her when they do see her. Christmas really did suck in hindsight. And after my non-attention to them yesterday at my extended family's Christmas party, I'm pretty sure they realize that I'm not too keen on them. I was quite possibly the only person who didn't hold my niece. I was too afraid that she would decide to start crying right then. I've heard they can smell fear.

And my mom and "step-dad" look like they're going to struggle to stay together in 2006. This thing with my brother has really put on a strain on their relationship too. And I'd argue that their relationship wasn't that strong to start with. Once again putting me in an awkward position as I really like my "step-dad." It's in quotes because although they've been together 20 years, they never got married. Somehow "boyfriend" seems belittling. My brother and I used to be very close. So what do I do? I've contemplated writing a letter to all parties involved. I can't call because I'll start crying. And I really hate crying, it gives me a headache and it makes me very incoherent which isn't good when you're trying to get points across. And I like to focus on solutions. And I don't know what the solution is in this case. How do you mend damages? There are so many relationships that have been damaged. Mom and step-dad. Mom and brother/wife. Me and brother/wife. Step-dad and brother/wife. Ugh. Makes me want to hide away.

Hey Debbie, remember when I had a really fun and cool family?

This is for you Angie!

2005-12-29T13:49:00.000-08:00

Christmas Story in 30 seconds :)

Way too cute, way too funny

On break and oh so lazy

2005-12-28T09:00:00.000-08:00

Ugh.

I only have a week and a half left of my Christmas break and I've managed to get absolutely nothing done. Well, unless you consider my completion of a few missions on a video game called "Sitting Ducks" accomplishments.

Ugh.

I know I overdid it this year on food when I can sit surrounded by chocolate and not feel an ounce of temptation. Fudge and chocolate/peanut butter truffles sit in the fridge with nary a thought towards them.

Ugh.

I want fresh fruit and veggies, and not the crappy ones that we get here in the winter. I want out of the woods raspberries and blueberries and juneberries and fresh strawberries (oops, I think I'm drooling).

Yum.

A whole post about food. (sigh) My New Years resolution is going to have to be related to food as yours truly has really let herself go. I know I still wear the same clothes sizes, but I feel... well... ugh.

Is it really over?

2005-12-26T18:41:00.000-08:00

Wow! I can't believe Christmas season is over already! It's always a little disappointing to see it end. I'll fully admit that I love this season, even with my dysfunctional family.

I love the lights, I love the music, I love the presents (hee hee). I love the snow, I love the general feeling in the air, I love the movies and tv specials.

But I'm always disappointed.

I think I expect too much.

I expect that something truly magical will happen.

I think I actually am wishing somewhere in my mind that Santa will show up.

Yep, I'm almost 28, one more month, and I'm wishing for Santa to show up.

I guess I want to believe the unbelievable.

On a related note, I expected good stories from Christmas Eve Day, but luckily my family behaved. Not going to lie, it was fairly uncomfortable in a lot of ways, but all in all, it could have been worse.

My niece dominated everyone's attention, as I expected, and I tried not to be bitter. It's not her fault she's a cute 1-year-old and I probably would want everyone to stop and watch my daughter open her presents for 2 hours too. Oh wait, no I wouldn't because I'm painfully self-conscious about that kind of thing. And yeah, I could feel the tension that comes when you haven't talked to your brother or his wife since Memorial Day (not Labor Day mind you, I'm talking about last May). I guess I just don't know them anymore, they've turned into parents and that's not something I'm familiar with, them in that role. We have a hard time relating now, their entire life is consumed by kids. Hell, they've started going to the high school sports games. I wish I could explain the significance of that, but unless you went to a small high school, you probably wouldn't understand. They never went before they had her, it's almost like they're showing off. And I worry so much for this poor girl and pray that she's as athletic as her parents. In their minds, she'll be my hometown's next big athletic superstar like her parents were. That's a lot of pressure. Good thing they weren't super students too! Of course, she was Homecoming Queen and Miss Name-of-Hometown and my brother was Snow-Days King too. Poor kid. And don't forget that another one is coming in February 2006. She'll be a whopping 13 months younger than her sister, uff da. It's just hard. For those with kids who read this, please know that I'm not upset by all parents, just these ones. It's tough to have them act as if they are somehow superior now because they had kids. I guess I should just be happy that they're happy and enthusiastic about their kids.

Boy am I a bitch sometimes.

(Sigh)

From the Ski Household to Yours

2005-12-23T12:39:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I swore I would never do this sort of thing, but I've been making fudge and chocolate truffles today and my brain just isn't quite right. Please enjoy this letter from my thumbed kitty-cat.

Well folks, the four of us have almost made it all the way through 2005. Uff-da, what a year!

First of all was the addition of evil, ahem I mean sweet, little Chloe into our household. The only nice thing she has going for her is her pretty tortoiseshell coat. Other than that, she’s pure evil. Yep, the folks thought they were doing me a favor bringing home this little bundle of joy from the shelter. Boy, were they wrong. Mom always gets all angry when she-demon starts chasing me and I know she worries that I can’t defend myself. But I’m just biding my time. Lure her into a false sense of security. She has her positive side though. She makes me seem like an even better cat, which isn’t tough when all I do is sleep and eat. No really. You think Garfield was fat and lazy? That old codger’s got nothing on me.

Mom had quite the tumultuous financial year in 2005. Mom got a lil’ bit crazy and gave up her stable government job to take a temporary position at the local community college as a biology instructor. She doesn’t have a clue what she’ll do after this school year is over, but she knows that something will work out. Even though she spends a lot of evenings in front of the computer working, she seems really happy with her choice. Her heart stopped bothering her and she can sleep through the night without screaming “f**k the wetlands! I can’t take it anymore!” That’s a relief for me. I hate having my 16-hour naps disturbed.

Mom didn’t get out too much this year. She blames money or a lack thereof. But in reality, she just can’t leave us kids for too long. She went down to the Twin Cities a few times for different things, but that was about it this year. She did attend a couple of good concerts, most notably Willie Nelson (who also signed a copy of High Times for her). She had to save her money to tear down (finally!) a nasty old house in the backyard. Now Mom has a big ol’ backyard for her to wreck with her landscaping. I’m willing to bet at least seven kitty-cat snacks that she’ll give up and plant grass (don’t tell I said that though!).

All in all, it was a good year for the Ski household even though Mom whines about gaining weight and losing her savings.

So from our dysfunctional, but loving household to yours, we wish you a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! If you’re of the politically correct persuasion, please have a Happy Holidays!

-Oliver Ski

Damn kids these days!

2005-12-20T19:40:00.000-08:00

I thought I would get through a semester without any cheating.

Damn it.

I was wrong.

A student slid his take-home test under my door today.

Along with a copy of another student's notes that he had clearly used for his test.

Oops.

When confronted the student admitted that he had "kinda' snuck" the other student's notes, which were in the same font and general style as that student's test, from that student during an unrelated study session one day.

My favorite part was realizing that all three of the tests had the same spelling errors. Remember it's Beadle and Tatum, not Beatle and Tatum (science geeks anyone?). Also a ribosome is a device, not a devise. And actually it's a part of a cell, a device sounds inorganic. Kids kids kids.

Of course the cheater is 29 years old, making him older than the instructor. Tsk tsk. Even more awkward to do that confrontation.

So afailin' I will go, afailin' I will go, hi ho a dairyo, afailin' I will go.

Cheers ya'll :)

By the way, expect a punchy post in a day or so, lots of fun family issues this Christmas!

My new avatar from Yahoo

2005-12-15T14:55:00.000-08:00

It was a success!!!

2005-12-13T20:30:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone!
The last guest has just left and I think I can safely say that the party was a success! I only ended up with 12 guests, but it was a perfect fit and a perfect blend of people. We tried about 15 different wines and a wonderful Champagne (Verdi Spumante). We had a nice mix of whites and reds. The funny thing is that one of the most popular wines was a dessert wine that costs about 6 bucks a bottle! Sutter Home Moscato, very yummy!

People seemed happy to be here and commented that they thought it was a great idea. Here is a short list of the bottles that were drained dry, other than the Sutter Home! Overall, people seemed to be in the mood for the whites more than the reds though...
Smoking Loon Cabernet Sauvignon 2004
Fetzer Vineyards Chardonnay 2004
Barton & Guestier Vouvray 2004
Kelly's Revenge Chardonnay 2004

We also had a nice selection of cheese (and crackers) including Brie (of course), Sharp Cheddar, Gruyere, Swiss, Gouda, Monterrey Jack and Goat cheese.

I made a New York Style Cheesecake (had to have at least 400 calories per tiny slice!) that came out pretty well and some Cranberry fruit dip with sliced apples and pears and grapes. The cranberry dip was a nice wintery fruit dip with 4 oz. cream cheese, 1 cup whole cranberry sauce, and a container of Cool Whip (kinda' ghetto, but it was popular!). And of course I had to make my favorite Spinach and Artichoke dip with french bread ooh la la.

There were great conversations occurring between people that don't normally get the chance to socialize and there was just this awesome positive energy circulating throughout the place. I am definitely making this a tradition. I did feel awful making the cats stay in the basement though :( Hopefully next year the office will be done and then I can leave the cats in the bedroom so people don't have to cut through my bedroom to get to the bathroom!

I was so frantic trying to get everything cleaned up! You should see my bedroom closet ;) It's just loaded with stuff I threw in there! Hee hee!

The problem (not a real one of course) is that I have about 10 wine bottles with at least a decent amount of wine left over! And I'm not really a big wine drinker! So I'm thinking I'll be needing to share those soon! So when are you girls getting over to the winter wonderland that is Minnesota?

Thanks to all of you for your awesome support. This was a huge deal for me, although I'm still wondering how in the world I fit 20-some people in my apartment in Duluth that was even smaller than this house? Maybe when you're in college, people just need less space :) I so love hostessing get-togethers, even though I'm frantic beforehand. People were so awesome though and all chipped in to help me get things ready (especially Lindsay G.) and afterwards Lindsay E. helped out big time to get things cleaned up :)

Have I mentioned how wonderful life is?

One more week until Christmas break!

2005-12-11T15:41:00.000-08:00

Yes, I call it Christmas break. Not winter break, not holiday break, plain old Christmas break. But you know what? I'm not going to boycott the school because they choose to call it winter break. Oh no. But people everywhere are boycotting stores because they are not saying "Merry Christmas" in their ads. Amazing. I personally don't really give a hoot. I would rather have people of other religions or no religions feel comfortable right now than see two words in the ads.

People clearly have too much time on their hands.

Or boycotting Target because they realized that their store policy does not allow for the Salvation Army to be in front of their stores because they would have to allow everyone to do that, every organization. I personally like it because I hate feeling guilty every time I leave Target. I can't donate money everytime, I go to Target about 4 times a week! And I donate to other causes throughout the year. Anyways...

Party's on Tuesday! And I just spent way too much on food and decorations, I'm insane and I'm also vowing to eat a ton of food at every get-together I ever go to again to make up for it :)

One more week, it should be an easy one too. And then almost 3 weeks off!!! Yikes, I'll probably go crazy. I plan to spend a lot of time with family and with friends. Of course, I'll probably be working on spring semester stuff too though knowing me :)

Off I go, wishing you all cheers, I'll let everyone know how Tuesday night went on Wednesday :)

T-minus one week actually!

2005-12-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

Oops, I think I said in a previous post that my party was supposed to be tonight. It's actually on the 13th! Lindsay and I ran and bought a variety of wine tonight for my end of it, hoping that people will bring their favorite bottles also. Thanks Kira for the offer to help! I kept meaning to email you back, but this end of the semester stuff is driving me wacky right now (I'm sure you teachers understand the hecticness of finishing up grades and such!).

I have 20 rsvps now or so, kinda' terrifying for my tiny house!

Thanks to all of you for the encouragement and the great advice, I'll be sure to let everyone know how it went next week and hopefully recommend some great wines!

My christmas tree is now only decorated from 4 feet above the floor and up. Chloe has managed to knock down every ornament below 4 feet and also has chewed through one set of lights (thank goodness they're cheap!). This cat was not meant for domesticity I'm thinking, or she's pure evil, whichever one!

My dad came to the school today to meet one of my colleagues who was interested in learning more about the draft horse world (those are the big horses for those of you not forced to go to shows or sales every weekend as a kid like yours truly) and although I may dislike my father greatly at times, I have to say that I was really proud of him today. He is really intelligent and I think I forget that sometimes. He never got a college degree, although he does have an impressive pile of credits from courses he took for work, so I think I forget how smart he is. I was really nervous because he tends to be a bullshitter and talk a lot and he can be embarrassing, but he was great and I was really proud to be his daughter. I feel bad that my colleague probably only got about 2 words in the whole time, but what can you do? :) Hopefully, he'll understand :) So, I think I might suck it up this christmas season and write my dad a letter about why I'm happy he's my dad. Yes, he's messed up majorly in the past, but so have I and I would want people to look past that, I mean forgive that too. He's still my dad and he wasn't totally awful and I just think I need to let him know that.

Alright, I might not get a chance to post for a week, but hopefully I can get caught up on all of your blogs too!

Cheers everyone!

Okay, now I'm excited...

2005-11-30T20:47:00.000-08:00

Still nervous, especially with the quantity of people coming. But I'm more excited now than anything, any good wines my blogger friends would recommend for me to have on hand? I'm going to try and have a handful of wines here and I've asked my guests to bring their favorite bottle to share. And then I have to figure out some appetizers too... But for my pregnant and non-drinking friends, I found the recipe for Caribou Coffee's Hot Apple Blast which is a caramel apple cider drink. I should've bugged Trish for this years ago since she's the one who introduced me to this way too yummy drink. 2 oz. cinnamon syrup, 4 oz. caramel syrup, 14 oz. apple cider all mixed together and heated up, topped with whipped cream, caramel and a dash of cinnamon. Yummy, yummy, yummy...

I used to love having get-togethers when I lived in Duluth where I got to feed my friends and pack way too many people in way too small of apartments, it feels good to be doing this again. Thank Goodness Lindsay yelled at me enough to get over my insecurities about my home.

Having a party...

2005-11-29T18:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm having a wine-tasting party at my home and I'm really nervous about it. I invited a bunch of people from work and I'm really feeling paranoid about my humble abode, which causes Lindsay to yell at me repeatedly. But I am. Friends, readers, etc. - my house is only about 1000 sq. ft and minus a good chunk of it to the office that still needs sheetrocking, so I'm down to an even smaller area. And add on the fact that my kitchen still has carpet and not the hardwood floors as planned and the painting has not been touched up and and and... Can I just put up a sign that says "Work in Progress?" I know I shouldn't care, but seriously. You should see some of the houses I've been in lately. Not even funny, they are bee-a-u-tee-ful.

Comfort?

Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-24T06:18:00.000-08:00

There are so many things I'm thankful for, so in no particular order:

1. Life.

2. My mom and Ron. As much as her devotion to my brother frustrates me, I always know she loves me just as much. They have emotionally supported me with every decision I have made. They let me choose my own path, with little input other than cheering me on. They always care about what's going on in my life and they're so cool, it's easy to keep them updated about even the mundane details. Ron has been an awesome "step-dad" and weirdly enough, is the one parent I take after the most personality-wise!

3. My "real-life" friends. Although there may be great distances between some of us, I never feel it in my heart. The only frustrating thing though is how much I miss those of you I never see. It makes me sad sometimes to realize that some of the best people in the world are not people I get to see regularly. But at least we have great cell-phone plans and lots of great memories from college! On a local level, I am grateful for the friends I have made up here in the tundra (sorry, windchill of -20 today!). It's pretty amusing though that of the handful of friends I have up here, two are named Lindsay! Gets fairly confusing! It only took three years, but I feel at home now and it's all because I have that group of amazing people to call my friends.

4. My "blogger" friends. It's an odd world, I know. But I really love when people post comments and I love to read what's going on in the world of people I will never meet! I have e-met some of the coolest women who are so dynamic and full of wisdom. It's such a strange thing though :) But I love it!

5. The successes and joys of my friends. Dan and Lindsay adopting the most precious little boy from South Korea. Donna giving birth to a healthy little boy. Mark and his wife adding another little boy to their family. Shelly buying a new home. Deb moving up in the corporate world. Cary traveling to Africa with the Peace Corps. Trish finding a new apartment and new guy. Jay finishing his Ph.D. and his wife getting pregnant. Lindsay meeting me (heh, heh). Forgive me if I'm forgetting other major things, it's early!

6. My career. On December 5th, I will be getting a "Golden Apple Award" at the school as some student who is being inducted into Phi Theta Kappa has chosen me as the instructor who has made a big impact on their life. I had my teacher evaluation meeting with the Dean of Academic Affairs who had absolutely nothing negative to say to me and actually said that I have a gift for teaching. I found out I can finish the credits I need for credentialing for free because I have been teaching long enough to qualify for tuition waivers. Work on the Environmental Studies program is moving forward and the school has expressed interest in making a full-time position for me at some point. I am still helping at the consulting company as much as I can and still love the people there.

7. Taking chances. I am so glad I quit my last job for this temporary teaching gig. Although I do miss my colleagues (not co-worker, colleagues). My heart has loved the lack of negative stress too!

8. A messy house. It means we can afford a bunch of junk!

9. The debt may be there, but so is my new backyard!

10. Life. It may be tough at times, but it is always worth it.

I hope all of you find things to be thankful for this holiday. If you are reading this, chances are that I'm thankful for you (unless you just randomly read this for the first time today, I'm sure you're a nice person and all, but...)

Cheers!

Time Management

2005-11-22T19:12:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone!
I know it's been over a week since I've written anything. And I feel really weird about that! I've probably lost the 3 readers I had! I'm just so busy with things, bringing work home every night and spending way too much time in front of my computer. Ugh.

But work's going excellently and luckily the semester is almost over. So, I promise I will resume as soon as things calm down.

Ugh.

I need to work out.

I need to clean my house.

I need to plan out a spring break trip.

Ideas?

Dear Santa

2005-11-13T10:58:00.000-08:00

Well it's that time again Santa. I know it's not even Thanksgiving yet, but I know some other ladies who've already sent their letters off to you, so I don't want to be too far behind. And I have some whoppers of requests here, so I'm trying to give you and your elves ample time to get some things ready for yours truly.

1) Can I have my own helper elf? What's that Santa? Oh. The elves have that problem too huh? Shoot.

2) Can you wrap up a clue for me in a big box with a red ribbon? I have no idea where my career should go and I'd really like an idea or two where I should be focusing. You can't do that? I should take it to God? He already told me to be patient and just keep working hard. I thought I could bypass that with your help, didn't realize you guys were in cahoots.

3) Chocolate. You can do chocolate? Perfect. Not in the quantity and quality I want though? I'm too demanding? But I was good this year. Yes I was! Oh yeah, I forgot about that incident. Fine Santa, Hershey's kisses will be good enough for me this year. But you better start storing up for next year, I have a good feelin' about it. I know that I say that every year, but I mean it this time!

4) Peace on Earth? Santa, will you please stop laughing. I'm serious. You are too huh?

5) Can I have the best friends in the world, loving parents and good health? I know I already have them, but I just want to extend my lease if possible. I don't know where I'd be without all of that. I clearly did something right in a previous life.

6) I don't know what that leaves me with Santa... How about good health and fortune for my family and friends? And new scratching posts for my four-legged family members?

7) And you know that coal you've left me for the past 27 years? Keep it coming, heating costs are rising, doncha' know...

Most sincerely yours Santa,
Your biggest believer,
Julie

Me like progress :)

2005-11-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

Well gang, another professor and I submitted three course outlines to our Curriculum Committee today - Ecosystems I and II and Introduction to Geographic Information Systems (GIS). We're not sure how they will be responded to, but the key is that the Provost of our college is highly enthusiastic about the development of an Environmental Studies program there. And considering she's the top of the totem pole at the actual school (obviously there's the President of NE colleges and such, but still), it's looking good for yours truly to perhaps get to teach longer than this year and in a different department than the one with a tyrant of a department head!

Plus I'm way more passionate about environmental studies and think that my enthusiasm could easily allow me to do some innovative and exciting projects there. It's all about knowing my niche and setting goals and other motivational glurge like that :)

So lots of things are happening on a professional level that are way exciting right now...

Okay, that's a lot of positivity, now can I bitch?

Thanks.

Here I go. My class reunion is next summer and I have zero desire to attend. I received a letter with a class reunion website, so curiousity overwhelmed hatred and I checked it out. Egads do I want to punch away. This jackass in my class put his occupation as Vice President/Biologist. Here's what bothers me, it's his dad's company, so saying your vice-president is really not that impressive. But he's the type who'll want to say how it is. I could be vice-president of a trucking company right now if I so desired, well, if my parents let me, but you know what I'm saying. And I don't remember hearing about him getting a 4-year degree in Biology and what he does for a living should not qualify him as a Biologist. A T.A. of mine when I was in college was very strict about when you can say you're a biologist. And I'm pretty sure he wouldn't fit those criteria. I would never say I was a biologist and I probably do more biology related things than him! For some reason (okay, I'm a jerk), it makes me mad that he's claiming he's a biologist. I know biologists and I don't think they would be all that happy about this either... See what an elitist snob I can be?

I am this close to posting a whole pile of snarky comments about how much I hate everyone I graduated with, excluding a few people. They were bullies who always made fun of me and I hate them to this day for it. They are one of the reasons I hate Halloween. Every year I had to hear about what a scary mask I had on and no, I wasn't wearing a mask! And then for the week afterwards I would have to hear "Julie, Halloween's over, you can take the mask off." Fuck them. Seriously. Is it any wonder I don't believe it when people compliment me? Fuck them.

growling away...

It's About Time!

2005-11-08T17:06:00.000-08:00

Random thought of my Saturday morning...

2005-11-05T08:04:00.000-08:00

How did the old country singers like Waylon and Johnny get away with singing about killing their cheatin' wives (i.e., Cedartown Georgia and Delia's Gone)? I always find it amusing when people talk about how country isn't tough enough for them, all I can figure is they've just never heard some of the old stuff... Back in their cocaine days, Waylon and Johnny were plenty angry and were some seriously messed up dudes. They weren't just singing angry songs, they were living them. Nowadays, parents would be absolutely up in arms about their lyrics and maybe they were back then, I wasn't born yet, I wouldn't know.

"Made up my mind what I’m a gonna do
Eased in the pawnshop and bought a 22.
I watched as the room clerk gave them a room key
Standin’ right outside I could read Room 23.

Tonight I’ll put her on a train for Georgia
Gonna be a lotta kin folks squallin’ and a grieving
‘Cause that Cedartown gal ain’t breathing. "

Yowsa!

Argh!

2005-11-03T17:32:00.000-08:00

Once again I seem to have a toxic co-worker. But considering I work with dozens of people, I'm pretty sure that I'm not the problem here. Especially considering that my students are afraid of her, staff dislike her, and the good faculty don't seem all that keen on her either. The problem for me is that she's in charge of my department. It seems like nothing I do is ever good enough. Today she asked me why a group of my students weren't always in the lab for two hours every week. I so badly wanted to point out that it was the crappy labs that they handed down to me, but I kept my mouth shut and said that it was rarely that they weren't two hours long. Which was such a lie. But seriously, if the lab doesn't take two hours, what the hell am I supposed to do? She questions everything I do. Which is frustrating since I know my students are learning and they are having a pleasant experience at the same time. People purposely don't take her classes, but she's tenured so there's nothing that will ever be done about it.

But enough negativity, I promised myself I wouldn't only post frustrations. On the positive side, a different faculty member appears to be interested in having me teach in his department. And he's actually interested in starting a new division of classes for Environmental Studies, which is so up my alley it's not even funny. They would be classes I would enjoy teaching more, but I would have to show that I could get students. Without being arrogant, I don't think that would be a problem. But if the Bio people feel threatened, there could be issues. So somehow I have to be somewhat sneaky and underhanded, but not enough to throw off my karma, dig? The school always says that they want to increase enrollment and retention of students, so to not try to keep a popular teacher who also works very hard at teaching her students, it seems stupid to me. But the world is stupid and I'll probably be back as a consultant full-time next year. Very scary situation to be in, but I'm trying to stay patient and trust that things take care of themselves, all I can do is make sure that I keep my eyes and mind open for and to new opportunities.

House is almost gone, there's a big hole in the backyard full of concrete and an excavator. Should be gone by Saturday, I'll post a set of pictures then!

For newer readers, I had a house in my backyard that was basically condemned, big old duplex between my house and the alley. For an idea of how bad it was, consider that it was two stories with full basement, approximately 35' x 45' good sized house and I bought it for $3000, what does that tell you? yep, it was a big moldy stinky piece o'crap. But glory glory alleluia, it's almost gone. And I will have a decent-sized backyard (well, for in town anyway).

Uffda, I feel better now :)

Ding dong the house is gone!

2005-11-02T16:49:00.000-08:00

:) Yep, it's pretty much official. My backyard currently has a heap of rubble and a big hole :) I'll post pictures as soon as it's completely gone.

Very surreal to walk out my backdoor and see my neighbors' houses instead of that one. Now I just need a fence so that I can have at least a little privacy.

Oh glorious day...

Yeah, this comes as a shocker!

2005-10-31T20:19:00.000-08:00

You are a
Social Moderate
(50% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(6% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

What do you find scary?

2005-10-29T07:42:00.000-07:00

I went to the Field of Screams in Chisholm last night and was, as always, super impressed by the job they did. Why the Haunted Ship can't take some lessons from them, I don't know. Chisholm isn't exactly a big city, ok I think the population is like 6000, they somehow pull together enough finances and smart people to create an excellent Halloween attraction. They've had it three years now and every year has been completely different. They have cool effects, cool costumes, cool set-ups. I can't complain. Hell, last year I was even creeped out. Viscerally scared. The only way I can describe the costume is a bondage demon :) It had these big protrusions out of its head and like short leather straps around it's head and these protrusions. For some reason, it seriously bothered me. Luckily these year, no one had it on and it was just a prop. Then it didn't bug me as much. So here's what makes my skin crawl, in no particular order. Clowns, insane asylums and the people in them, bloody surgery scenes with people screaming, creepy music, Michael Myers (or technically William Shatner I guess!), The Joker and the Scarecrow from Batman, and... bondage demons (ha!). If I could find a picture of that damned thing, I would post it and then just never look at my blog!

I'm not scared of heights, snakes, spiders, werewolves, etc.

What makes us scared of the things we're scared of?

And my friends (in a Dracular voice) vhat are you scared of?

Too weird

2005-10-25T19:02:00.000-07:00

Just got out of North Country. Decent movie. Horseshit ending.

It is very weird to see my town's high school in a movie. Along with the lake I walk past every morning, which is also the lake I studied for my thesis. The Village Inn I regularly have breakfast at with friends is one of the scenes. And on and on... People I've worked with and currently work with are in it. A former student tells Charlize to get the fuck out of the union meeting and hits on her at the bar in the beginning...

There will never be another movie filmed up here, so let me have my weirdness feelings :)

Also for those of you who see this movie, the landscape is much more beautiful than they portray it. Not everything is strip mined and they have to reclaim the land after mining, meaning they usually create beautiful pit lakes and recreational areas afterwards. I feel they didn't accurately portray it, especially since the sun rarely shines in the movie and its all winter scenes. And not even the pretty time of winter scenes. It's the ugly February/March time... Enough whining :)

Supersize me baby!

2005-10-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

Just finished making my students watch "Supersize Me" which required me to watch it also.

Funny how that works.

I am never eating McDonald's again!

Hell, any fast food other than Subway is off limits here. Heck, I'm hesitant to eat anywhere other than home at this point. And I can't say that's much healthier.

I used to eat so well.

Sam's bringing me down.

And my weight up.

Ugh.

Highly recommend the movie though, it's pretty amusing if nothing else.

Off now to dinner (ha!) with Lindsay where I will fret over every calorie cuz' I'm superficial and paranoid like that and then we will be taking in "North Country" so that we can see how much of losers the movie has portrayed Iron Rangers as. Remember folks: we may be a bit behind on styles, pop culture, progressive-thinking, but we're not stupid. Okay, not all of us. There are a fair share. On a related note, the old men up here are typically that sexist though. I was told once when I was a full-time consultant that I would not be meeting with the representative from a local mine because the last time the company sent a woman to meet with him, he sent her back, called my boss and said "next time send a man to do a man's job" nice huh? And when I was working for the government, older men (over 50) would sometimes try to bully me around to lessen the restrictions on wetlands for them or say their project was exempt from the rules. Or they would just carry this attitude that as a girl I had no clue about natural resources which is comical to me since I grew up on a farm and have a M.S. in Water Resources. Jackasses. It's one of the main reasons I wanted to leave that job, I was tired of no respect. Well that and the crappy pay.

Off (throwing superhero cape over shoulder) I go!

Great googaly moogaly

2005-10-24T17:25:00.000-07:00

The construction (or would that be deconstruction) company guys came over today to start planning their attack on the house next door. Supposedly they are coming over tomorrow to start emptying out the inside. I'm just giddy...

Must. Hold. Onto. Optimism.

2005-10-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

Dear God is it hard to stay optimistic somedays.

Financial inequality is rising in our country. Our children are being sheltered from some of the dumbest things ever. Our children are not being taught how to be self-sufficient. The white-collar criminals are getting away with an ever-increasing amount of fraud, embezzling, shady business deals, etc.

ugh

It makes it tough to be progressive. And I can see why some people don't even try anymore. How do we fight back? How do we fight against the things that seem unimportant, but are symptomatic of greater problems? Namely, Halloween. For some reason Halloween is bothering me this year. All I hear is how kids aren't allowed to really dress up anymore. At a local school the kids are supposed to dress as what they want to be when they grow up. Yeah, I'd be sending my kids to school in a McDonald's work outfit. Just to prove a snotty point. Or they can't dress as witches because they are evil. For one thing, real wiccans aren't evil (anybody else a "Buffy" geek who remembers the "Once More with Feeling" episode and the reference to how witches really aren't evil and were persecuted and such?). Secondly, it's Halloween!!! We all dressed as witches and goblins and ghouls and we turned out just fine (twitch twitch)! So why are we the generation so intent on "protecting" our kids? Who the hell are these pansy parents and why do they get greater say than those of us with logical, rational minds? I know this shouldn't bother me, but what's next?

I believe in being politically correct to a point. I've hit my point. I believe racism, sexism, classism, etc. is bad. But Halloween? Have we gone insane? My friends and I went to the Haunted Ship in Duluth last week and were bombarded by a Christian group offering free prayer coupons. Does that mean that prayer normally comes at a cost? A few years ago I made some snide comment to this group, but decided to behave this year. I am not going to hell for participating in Halloween, there's plenty of other reasons for that. Seriously people.

On one hand, sales of Halloween landscaping and home decorations have skyrocketed in the last five years, yet children can't really trick-or-treat anymore, can't dress up as anything fun in school, etc. Make up your mind adults! Is it evil or not? And trick-or-treating at the mall? La-ame.

Sometimes I really start thinking that living in the US ain't what it used to be. And it's not just about Halloween. I'm scared about the future of this country. Honestly scared. Halloween's just a symptom of the larger disease of the unrecognizable culture that I'm living in...

Sorry to any males who read this...

2005-10-20T08:37:00.000-07:00

Alright, I have finally figured out something major, which most of you females have probably realized forever...

My life completely revolves around my hormone levels...

I know I know, real shocking discovery. But it's not the way you're thinking. It's not necessarily a mood thing, although I do tend to get real weepy a couple of days before my period shows up. It's an energy thing. I have at least one week every month, usually right before it when I have zero energy to do anything productive. Dishes build up, homework doesn't get graded, lots of television gets watched. I very much feel like a different person for that week. And as soon as I get my period, Bam! I have tons of energy and I'm actually completing projects instead of just creating projects. I have innovative ideas for teaching, I can't handle sitting on the couch. But oh lord, for this one week, I want to do NOTHING!!! I want to sit on my couch with a gallon of ice cream and watch stupid tv shows and movies and read magazines and books and just lounge.

The other strange thing is that I get really restless, but it doesn't stop me from being lazy. Quite the internal battle.

I'm sure there's a good biological reason for this, but still... Can't women just be able to take that week off of work?

Speaking of work, I have decided that by the time I'm 35 I only want to be working part-time, just enough to pay the revolving bills (utilities, phone, things like that). My car will be paid off when I am 30 and at the rate I put miles on, it will probably only have around 50,000 miles when it's paid off. My house is on schedule to be paid off when I'm 40, so if I started throwing some money at it, I could maybe knock that down a few more years. My not-high-to-start with student loans will be done in a few years. Yeah, I'm not saying I'll be living a life of luxury. But a life of simplicity sounds better and better to me every day. Don't get me wrong, I love working and I'm okay at the jobs I've had, it's more personal than that. Granted, I'd still try to be the best damn part-timer at wherever I was, whether it's teaching or consulting, but still... How much crap do I really need? And if we decide not to have children, then that's even less money we would need. And being that's something that I fluctuate on day to day... I know this probably sounds lazy, but that's not even it. I want to explore. I want to garden. I want to read and write and if I want to spend an afternoon sitting on my front porch contemplating the mysteries of life, I don't want to feel guilty about it.

Maybe it's a rebellion (yeah, that'd be a shock) or maybe it's a response to my father's workaholic lifestyle or maybe it's just that I feel constrained by the 40-hour-work-week and a society that revolves around buying more and more stupid shit that really has no purpose other than cluttering my shelves and closets. I don't know. It probably sounds weird to hear someone say they want to be poor. But a part of it is that with my education and experience level, a part-time job wouldn't pay the worst. It's all about priorities I guess. I could work 60 hours a week, wear out my heart and be dead at 40 but have lots of shit to show for it. Or I could slow down a bit, live a lot longer and have lots of intellectual pursuit stuff to show for it. And better friendships... I don't know. The problem is our society and the ever-increasing costs of every thing. Lots of stuff to chew on I guess. I'm sure there's a way to do it. Hell, not having the damn car payment would save me a scary amount of money every month (worst financial decision I ever made)...

Clearly I think too much as it is now :)

Thank goodness for short weeks!

2005-10-18T15:03:00.000-07:00

So here I sit...

Waiting at the school for Lindsay to get done with work (be damned if I'm walking home in the rain!). Alright, I'm actually just waiting so we can go out :)

I can't believe how frazzled I feel! My hats off (yet again) to all the teachers of this world. My god, does it drain a person! Tomorrow's my Friday, but I barely find solace in that. Because I know, just know, that there will be another Monday sneaking up sooner than I want it to. I just can't get ahead. My goal is to get all of my lectures ready for spring semester and my labs figured out this semester so that I can somewhat coast, because ugh. I feel like a failure as a teacher, plus I just have so many other things I would like to do here so I can convince them to hire me full-time...

But is that what I want? I don't know!!! There's a part of me that would almost like to stay adjunct and then get additional money from consulting. There's a lot of politics here, as you would expect, and as an adjunct, I don't really get as pulled into that. Which is nice for someone like me. Plus I like the diversity of careers. In some ways I miss what I refer to as the "real world." It is definitely my real-world jobs that have given me the most knowledge that applies to the real world. Teaching is very distant I think from that at times. Maybe I'm just not the type of person created for a settled down life. That's what I'm starting to realize. The consulting company has a new and challenging problem they want my help with and I'm majorly excited. So I don't want to completely leave that world...

Ugh...

Someday I'll figure it all out. Ha!

I finally dyed it!

2005-10-15T15:36:00.000-07:00

And no, it's not crimped, the camera, for some reason, made it look like it is though! So the straight-up red is gone for now :) I'm undecided, but I think I like it :)

And yes, I still detest my sis-in-law. Thanks for the support though Firefly! And I finally sent your book this morning, threw me off to have to fill out a customs form, I'm so close to Canada that I forget! Sorry it took so long, I never get over that way!

Congrats to Dan and Lindsay who will be heading out Tuesday to get their little boy from South Korea!!! I cannot wait to meet the new addition!

Off for a wonderful evening with my sweetie!

Must release pressure, gonna' blow

2005-10-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

I now officially despise, dislike, I dare say hate, my sister-in-law. We have now found out the real reason that they've been blacklisting my mom and I must say that they are seriously retarded. Not just defending my mom here either... Some examples include:

"well, when you said you were going to babysit, you said you were going to take her for a walk on the bike trail and I got scared that she would get kidnapped."

"You called her little RJ" RJ are her initials, not just part of the name of my parents former company

"my brother said you shoved him when you two were racing to get to the hospital room when she was born" It was a friendly race and that was 9 months ago for god's sake

and the list goes on. My mother is a wreck right now, suffers from depression as it is, I am scared shitless about what this is going to do to her psyche.

I am so pissed that my brother and sister-in-law had to be forced to confess what the hell was up and I'm even madder that these are the best reasons she can come up with for ignoring my family.

More later, have to go to the doctor for an ultrasound on my knee. Oh happy day.

Someday I'll give it back...

2005-10-11T19:04:00.000-07:00

My inhibitions.

I'll give them back to the people that gave them to me. My grade school and high school classmates, men I dated (oops, boys), my father, my brother, misguided or just mean friends. All the people who told me to shush or sit down or that I wasn't good enough or that I was too out there.

I mourn the little girl who didn't give a s**t about how people viewed her.

I mourn the junior high girl who danced in public and didn't care if she looked silly (damn it anyways, I am a good dancer, but who would know that?).

I mourn the sixth grader who thought she could sing well enough to be in choir.

I mourn the young woman who wore revealing clothing and was plenty happy with her B-cups.

I mourn the young woman who felt comfortable wearing the clothing because by then she hadn't been groped by men who had no right to touch her regardless of what she was wearing.

I mourn the loss of confidence, gutsyness, and lack of caring.

Someday I'll give the inhibitions back and I'll take myself back.

**Thank you to the student of mine who will never read this but who inspired it by hamming it up tonight at our college's version of American Idol. Her courage was awesome and reminded me that I have a lot to learn.**

East/West I always am backwards!

2005-10-11T05:42:00.000-07:00

Yes Jen,
I'm stupid :) I meant SE! For some reason I am always backwards on that and I don't know why!!!
Thanks for the tips!!
Miss you!

The view from my front porch...

2005-10-10T16:56:00.000-07:00

Pretty trees :)

Why is this not gone yet?

2005-10-10T16:54:00.000-07:00

Mr. Construction company will be getting a call soon...

I have nothing of importance...

2005-10-10T16:36:00.000-07:00

I cannot seem to find a dang thing to write about lately! So I'll just rant for a bit, it seems to be what I'm good at, well, mostly just random thoughts I guess...

Firefly - Your book will be in the mail this week. :)

I cannot wait for MEA weekend!!! For those of you non-Minnesotans, it's two days at the end of the third week in October were teachers all go to a bunch of conferences and such, but for me, it's just two glorious relaxing days off :) I just need to catch my breath here, that's all. We're thinking about going down to SW Minnesota to explore countryside neither of us have either seen (not that I remember anyway). We'll be potentially going to Redwing and swinging past my friend Jen's hometown amongst other destinations. Supposedly it's beautiful down that way, and with fall colors now it promises to be even prettier. But it's always tough to leave our cats for a few days, they get squirrely. I get feeling guilty. So I don't know!

As for other thoughts, I need to lose some weight. Correction: I need to get myself back in shape. I am sick of how I look and even sicker of how I feel. I am not a vain person, I just like to feel good physically and I don't. I feel tired, lethargic, weak, things I don't like to be. So please send your encouragement my way :) I'll try not to talk about it much, but you females know how it is.

One last thing, Mr. South District, if you still read this since I'm not Ms. North District anymore, I miss bitchfests with you and hope to talk to you soon. Maybe next Thursday if you're around, I'll be down that way :)

Well, that's it my friends

2005-10-07T05:42:00.000-07:00

Winter is officially here in the Northland. The water in my birdbath is frozen!

I really do adore my parents

2005-10-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

Well, two of them at least. I now have "new" kitchen cabinets thanks to my mom and "step-dad." And this is a really poor picture of them! They used to be just regular brown cabinets with no grooves, plain dark metal knobs. It was really oppressive because my kitchen doesn't get much natural light due to having only a few windows and they face west. grrrr... Granted, we still need to replace the countertop and put up a backsplash and replace the floor and and and,,, but I have new cabinets!!! Well, sorta' new. Lot cheaper than completely replacing, but the eco-geek in me hates throwing stuff away, it's killing me to know that thanks to me an entire house will be getting put in a landfill, I still need to get outside and take a picture of that cursed thing. My step-dad was amazing to watch yesterday when he put up the cabinet doors because he didn't have to measure anything out, he instinctively drilled the holes for the knobs. He placed everything perfectly. And my mom's obsessive compulsive disorder paid off in that the cabinet door painting job was spectacular! I am so excited right now and so grateful for parents that have talents that I do not come close to having. I'm so anxious now to finish the rest of the kitchen off! I just know it will be the type of room that I want to be in, same with the office when we get done with that. Boy, I'll really have this house the way I want it right in time for me to need a bigger house for kids :)
Thanks Mom and Ron, I love you bunches!!! And not just because you build stuff for me :)

North Country

2005-10-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

The guy on the right hand side is one of my old students! That is so weird to see. The movie's website is www.northcountrymovie.com Thanks Shelly for the link!

Happy Birthday Jay!!!

2005-09-28T18:46:00.000-07:00

Today is my favorite Jay's 37th(?) birthday! I think he's still only 37, I lose track when he keeps getting so much older than me (mwah ha ha). Without Jay I probably would never have made it through my first year of grad school or my second for that matter! He was my rock that kept me sane and grounded. He taught me a lot of life lessons and I'm still not sure what he got in return for all that he did (other than someone else's mishaps to laugh at).

Sometimes in life you meet certain people that completely alter yours. People that go beyond the thrown-around term "friend." Transcend it really. It was an unlikely friendship, but one of my strongest by a long shot. Had someone told me my senior year of college that he would end being my best friend in a few short months I would never have believed them, it just seemed like too odd of a match. For one, he's 10 years my senior, much more worldly, cultured, tad bit more serious (that's not a tough one). I was like his wacky side-kick, the unpredictable one. But it worked, really well actually. And in case you're wondering, we never dated, we never really considered it, we wondered at times why we weren't destined to because we had such an amazing connection, but it wasn't that type of connection.

And now he's in Oregon with his pregnant wife and I'm still in northern Minnesota and we rarely get to talk, occasionally email, but its okay. I think we both know that if we needed each other that we'd be there. It's weird how that happens to friendships. Sometimes they fade away unwillingly and people are angry or hurt, but other times it's only the contact that fades. We will never again have the lives we had in grad school, we accept that. But it doesn't take away from the friendship that we had while there and sometimes it's just nice to know that someone out there cares about you even if you don't speak more than a few times a year. When it comes down to it, it really is the people in your life who make it worth living. There's some saying that I'm going to butcher here about how all strangers are really just friends you haven't met yet. It's strange when you realize that at one time all of your friends were strangers to you. And it's amazing when you stop and realize all that you've shared with them and the bond you may have with these former strangers.

All of my good friends were met after high school, so that means the longest I've known any of my good friends is 9 years, that's only 1/3 of my life. That's nothing. Debbie has been my friend the longest, but that's still only 9 years. Of course, that's pretty impressive to me, but still... Are we destined for our friends the same way we're destined for our partner? That's of course assuming that we're destined for our partner. Or do we pick? Is friendship like love in that you either connect or you don't and chemistry is the key factor? I don't know... All I know is that I want to thank all of my friends, I would most sincerely, totally be lost without you guys. As a whole you keep me "real" and grounded and I love youse bunches :)

No, I haven't forgotten you

2005-09-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

I have just had nothing to say of any significance, not that I ever have. But something happened that has made me realize something, but I'm not sure what. One of my College Bio students was really struggling with my course, majorly. And after the first test he told me that he needed extra help, which he did. I asked him what his major was and he said he wants to go into business. So I asked why he was in a science majors course then instead of the one for non-science. He didn't really have a good answer to that. So I continued questioning him and told him that it might be best to transfer into my non-science major Biology course and that he would be right on schedule and such. Every question, even simple ones were answered with a blank stare and an open mouth gaping. Seriously, I thought the kid had zero intelligence. Something just seemed off. So I took him to the college advisor/counselor to see if they could rearrange his schedule to get him into my easier course. I get an email from her on Monday saying that his mom is taking him to get a CT scan because she thinks there's something wrong with his brain because he's been having headaches and he can't remember anything and now this comes up about his struggles with my class. Results come in that he needs surgery because he has polyps on the frontal lobe of his brain. How weird/odd/strange/whatever is that? Makes me kinda' glad now that I didn't just let him fail my College Bio class, I guess it drew attention to a problem... Maybe teachers can have an influence, just not the way I always wanted to...

On a happy note, a group of students asked if I would be their faculty advisor for a science club :)

Ah, the life of a teacher...

2005-09-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

I sure hope none of my dear friends have used any of these excuses.
Today I was reading email, read this one first and then opened the email at the end of this blog from one of my students. My comments are in parentheses.

Semiotics 101
By Robert Weir

Every semester I hear the same shopworn appeals for special dispensation for missed deadlines, even though my syllabi specify that only written requests from a dean or a doctor will be considered. Referring students to the syllabus usually evokes astonished assertions that surely it was an oversight to exclude their particular circumstances, which, in the sweep of Western civilization, are unique.

It's been at least 10 years since I've heard an original excuse, and I was beginning to suspect that the hip-hop generation was imagination-challenged. My mistake! New students simply don't have the semiotics background to understand the difference between the sign (message sent) and the signified (message heard) of academic discourse. It's not until the sophomore year that students begin to grasp this, thus I offer this humble Semiotics 101 lesson for first-year students, lest they inadvertently offend their professors.

Message Sent
Message Heard

"I was so busy with classes in my major that I simply didn't have time for your assignment."
"Your subject is so irrelevant I'm surprised it's even offered at reputable schools. Did you lack the requisite skills to become a garbage collector?"

"I work full-time, care for small children, and am involved in community charity groups. It's hard to find time to juggle all of this."
"Unlike slothful bums like you who just show up to class, put in an occasional office hour, and then bugger off to drink coffee, and nap in the faculty lounge."

"I was completely done with my paper, tried to print it, and found out that my processing system is incompatible with that of the college." (Variants: "My ink cartridge ran out," and, "The computer erased everything on my diskette.")
"I haven't started this paper and I'm hoping you're a big enough sap to fall for such a lame excuse."

"This assignment was unfair and your instructions were unclear."
"I have never misunderstood anything in my life. The problem is that you're a sadist. How did you escape the Nuremberg trials?"

"I had a 24-hour stomach virus and was so sick that my roommate got scared and took me to the infirmary. Doctors said it was probably just food poisoning."
"My roomie and I went out drinking at a local bar. The local fauna was looking fine, the music was loud, and I got plastered. But I wasn't going to work on your silly assignment anyhow."

"A close relative died last night."
"It was actually the aunt of my fourth cousin thrice removed and last night was the 14th anniversary of her death."

"You're too demanding. I'm spending all my time on your course and neglecting all my other classes."
"That's because yours is the only one I have a prayer of passing."

"I've been under a lot of pressure and am seeing a therapist who suggested that extra time to do my work would be helpful."
"OK, it's not a real therapist, but my friend did get a B in Psych 101 so I'm sure she knows what she's talking about."

"I have a learning disability."
"Others seem to get things right away, but I have to study so I must have an LD. If you don't pass me I'll get someone to certify I do and sue your butt under the ADA."

"I'm sorry I missed the deadline, but I couldn't get back from break because of the snowstorm."
"The parties on Aruba were so good that I stayed an extra three days. Did you know that 'snow' is a synonym for several classifications of powdered controlled substances?"

"If you give me a break this time, I promise I'll never miss another deadline and that I'll put extra effort into all other assignments."
"Yeah, and Bambi's mother will come back to life, dodos will roam the wild Australian plain, and cold fusion will power every American home."

I could go on, but these humble examples should suffice to make first-year students realize that all utterances are texts and that they cannot privilege their interpretations over those of their professors. Armed with that knowledge there is but one failsafe response: Meet the deadlines!

Robert Weir teaches humanities and American studies at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and at Smith College. He is the author of four books, numerous articles, and has been teaching for 26 years. He has fielded approximately 47,311 excuses.

email to me

Ms. K.
I apologize for not attending lab yesterday, and for not turning in my Lab #1. I just have been dealing with some personal issues (1st excuse! aren't we all!), and it seems like I just have a homework and test overload this week (excuse #2, that's called college, buck up). I was wondering could I have an extension on turning in my Lab# 1 until friday? I want to do well in your class, and so far I have done well. Please give me the opportunity to continue doing well in your class (excuse #3, don't kiss my ass or beg for my mercy, admit you fucked up instead, don't make it so I should feel guilty for not giving you a chance!).

(So I'm a sucker and gave her until Friday, but seriously, get more creative or just get honest with me and yourself).

How do adults do it all?

2005-09-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

Seriously. Some people impress the hell out of me. They somehow manage a successful career, happy personal life, clean house, make dinner every night, stay in shape, etc. etc. and somehow maintain a personality. How? I feel sometimes like I'm the only person I know who is scattered around and not organized and not maintaining a semblance of normality in my life.

I feel like I'm either one step behind or just barely ahead (with my students for instance). I cannot wait for spring semester and environmental science where I feel completely comfortable with any question they may ask (as I should considering I've been working in that field for more than a few years now). This semester isn't that easy. Human biology was never my thing. I feel comfortable with the information they need for this course, but my knowledge of the topic honestly does not extend much farther than that on that subject (not that I ever let the students know that and I think I hide it well). It's a wee bit stressful though. And probably good for me (I can hear my mother's voice in my head even as I type that).

My house is torn to shreds, ok, the bedroom and bathroom are still intact, that's as far as it goes. My backyard is still buried under the hideous duplex (picture to be displayed tomorrow). My weight keeps creeping up. As does my debt. But luckily for me I have a great friend who manages to somehow calm me down and see me through things. How she fell into my life, I'm not quite sure, but I'm glad she's there. And she's way wise beyond her years, which I just dig. I never thought I'd be looking up to someone younger than me, thanks for messing up my sense of reality! With her and my other known-forever-friends, I somehow pull through. It makes for a good life, even if it's a cluttered one! "All the lonely people, where do they all belong?"

Am I nuts?

2005-09-19T19:07:00.000-07:00

There was no insulation to be found, none except for a 4-square-foot area. No wonder that freakin' room was so freakin' cold in the winter. Look at the pink cover on the radiator to get a clue as to the beautiful, Double Bubble color that the room had been. I tried to paint it the green color and then decided that it really needed to have sheetrock (or drywall as most people call it). Good thing now that I realize there was NO freakin' insulation, sorry that's just shocking to me that they didn't at least throw newspapers or vermiculite in there. C'mon, we live in NE Minnesota.

And although we don't have the money and had to take out a loan, it looks like the house in the backyard will be getting torn down this fall. I'll be sure to post a picture of that beauty this week :)

Taconite Mining is the not the worst thing in the world

2005-09-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

It was a rough day sampling this mine pit in NE Minnesota. Compared to other kinds of mining, taconite (which becomes steel) mining pits end up as beautiful bodies of water, although a bit deep (this one is 500 feet deep).

Money is a pain in the arse

2005-09-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

Money brings out the worst in people. And it's not just the money, it's the whole process used to get money and its the unequal dispersal. I have some friends who busted their asses to get where they are at professionally and I have zero problem with them making more money than I do. I have a lot of respect for them personally and professionally and they never rub it in or flaunt what they have. I can't say that about everyone though. Other people truly do fall into things. A friend has a friend making $70,000/year for the Postal Service who couldn't even get an AA degree. But his dad worked for the Postal Service and got him in first as a mail carrier and now he's not the PostMaster, but next in line basically. The guy sucks. He cheats on his wife, could care less that he has a kid, and is just basically a bad person. But he's making twice as much a year as I am.

I always say that I fell into my jobs and that I'm just lucky. But in reality, I busted my ass from the time I was in high school. And sometimes I wonder why when I see my brother as a heavy equipment operator who never had to go to college, works six months a year and makes more than $50,000/year. Doesn't seem fair really. But I love what I do. Of course, they could say they love what they do too. So that's not good enough. I could say I have impact. But if the mail's not delivered and roads aren't built, that's more of an impact than I'll ever have.

My dad moved down to the Twin Cities (about 2 hours from home) when I was about 5 or so for a job as Vice-President of a large lumber company. Not bragging, just the facts, otherwise the story is worthless. He lived down there all week and would come home on the weekends. Weekends sucked. His high stress, 18-hr days left him lacking in the temper area. No matter what we did we were in trouble. Yelling, hitting, the classic stressed out Dad response. The belt isn't an urban legend. To this day if a voice is raised at me it's instant tears. I get scared.

But that's not the point. The point is that my mom, my brother and I had everything we could possibly want. We had a beautiful home in the country that was built the same year I was born, we had horses and pets and woods with trails and pretty much everything we could ask for. But we didn't have him. And when we had him home we didn't want him there. But he couldn't understand that. To him, he was providing and why wasn't that enough?

Fast forward to me at 12 when my parents had been divorced for four years and I had been living with my grandparents for three years already. My dad finally decided to give up the six-figure job and move back. Living in a small town now and not Minneapolis, the best he could find was a job that paid about $20,000. Luckily our new home in the small town had mostly been paid for, but still... We didn't have gobs of disposable income anymore. But my brother and I had him. All the time. Not always such a great thing. But at least he tried. I think it was probably too late in many ways, but at least he chose us over money. In the years at my grandparents, there was nothing. They were a poor farming family with an old house that always smelled like barnyard and that was so poorly insulated that I used to have frost on my ceiling. But they loved the hell out of my brother and I. I never thought anything about the house when I was little and I never missed the nice one. Love truly does make a home, that's not some chintzy Hallmark saying.

So I don't really care about money. I like it, who doesn't? But I don't feel an overwhelming desire to compete with friends or other people. Some of you might be saying, well, why the sports car then? For one reason, I like to speed. For those of you who are recent additons to my life, I spent about 5 summers at the race track working on a pit crew. I like cars. A lot. Note that I really don't drive it all that much to show it off. I walk to work most days. But I like it. Other than that, I have a tiny house in town, clothes that I had as a freshman in college ten years ago, tennis shoes that are falling apart, etc., etc. It's all about priorities. My priorities have little to do with material possessions. Stuff ends up as clutter. I'd rather spend time with people than with my stuff. And I feel like my life kicks ass even though I may not own much. I'm pretty sure I have the world's coolest friends. Sounds pretty successful to me...

Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair

2005-09-13T20:19:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to write about, yet I feel I should post something, anything...

I guess hair is on my mind tonight because I don't know what the hell to do with mine tomorrow when I go in. Part of me feels like chopping it off, but the other part likes being able to throw it into a ponytail. Part of me feels like growing out my bangs again, the other part of me remembers the nightmare that that can be. Highlights seem tempting, funky cut seems tempting. It's getting cool enough now that, other than working out (where I can always wear a bandana), I shouldn't need to yank it up into a ponytail. But another part of me just feels like growing it longer again so that I can still have sexy long wavy red hair while I'm still young and before I have children yanking on it! I guess my mind was already made up in a way... Argh! I would kill to have someone fix my hair everyday, I bet I would be much prettier!

Anywho, fall is now upon us in NE Minnesota and several trees on my walk to work have already dropped their leaves! Early fall this year. But I love the smell in the air and the crispness of the early morning. I just wish it wasn't the prelude to winter! I seriously need to be a snowbird and leave Minnesota after my birthday in January and come back in May, late May. Can I retire yet?

It's Sunday night already?! Gulp!

2005-09-11T18:55:00.000-07:00

Wow! Teaching full-time at the college is kicking my butt. Clearly I've been a slacker for the past 3 years as an adjunct faculty member. Full-time is tough! I'm trying so hard to make a positive impression on fellow teachers, students, administration, etc. It's a bit much. I cannot wait for the day I'm tenured. Not that I'll slack off that much, but... All I know is that environmental science is going to be a cakewalk next spring since I've taught it three times already. These new classes are exhausting!

I cannot believe it has taken me this long to get a freakin' internet connection in my house. For someone who likes technology, I sure take my sweet time catching on.

I've realized that life wears me out. I think somewhere along the way I need to decide what I'm going to be. I can't do everything or try everything. Typically the thing that suffers is the orderliness of my home. I have more piles of stuff scattered around than anyone I know. I have two rooms in the midst of renovation. I have a house still sitting in my backyard taunting me to tear it down (although Public Utilities did show up to cap the steam).

Speaking of steam, the next time someone bitches about how we have to pay so much for steam in this town, I'm going to bitch-slap them. Seriously. For those of you from elsewhere, this little town has one pretty cool feature. When our powerplant is generating electricity, steam is produced and sent through town into our homes for heat. Yeah, it's not free like it used to be. But compared to the costs of natural gas, propane, and fuel oil, it's pretty damn cheap. Plus I don't have to worry about furnace maintenance. I like the system. So there. The joys of Minnesota, 9 months with the furnace on. At least the worst natural disaster we've ever had up here were a few nasty blizzards and a storm event that blew down most of the trees in the Boundary Waters Canoe Area (quietest place in America according to Backpackers Magazine).

I have now been gone from my old job for almost a month and I can safely say I don't miss it. I sure as hell would like to get my severance check already though!

Book recommendation: Angels and Demons (prelude to Da Vinci code) by Dan Brown. Lots of suspense and action and really interesting storyline...

I love my DSL

2005-09-10T16:09:00.000-07:00

Thank you phone company! Your DSL product kicks butt and downloads stuff almost as fast as at work. I guess my old computer, thank you Pam, is good enough after all.

Now for the bitching. My old co-worker who I have ranted and raved about more than once on here has done it again. She hurt herself doing something that I don't feel was her job and it was after work hours and out of her own work vehicle. Now she's claiming work-man's comp. The interesting part of the whole thing is that two weeks ago she told me that if she didn't get at least a 50-cent/hr raise at her next review in October that she was going to quit because gas prices were just too high. How suspicious does this sound? Needless to say, I will be calling an old supervisor and giving him my thoughts on the matter. She had no need to be doing what she was doing, she should have just called a DNR Conservation Officer to the scene instead of taking pictures herself. She has no wetlands training and she's not the technical person of the office. I'm betting that she hurt herself doing something with the dogs her husband trains. She's just trying to get out of working. And my guess is that she knew she had no chance in hell of getting a raise after everything brought up in my departure...

Grrrr....

She Was a Hell of a Woman, Looking Down at Us From Heaven Now

2005-09-06T17:17:00.000-07:00

Some grandmas really go above and beyond the definition of grandma. My friend Lisa's nana was one of those women and she left this worldly dimension on Sunday night after years of physical struggles and lots of love from a wonderful granddaughter and her husband who made the last few years of her life worth living.

When Lisa was about 12 years old, her mother would go out at night and leave her home alone, scared. Her nana couldn't make it up the stairs to be with Lisa and felt that, at the time, it wasn't right to just take her out of her mother's place, so she would drive over and sit in her car outside so that Lisa felt safe. How frickin' cool is that?

She was a feisty woman and I'm sure being confined to a wheelchair in her last few years was probably really frustrating to such an active woman. Yeah, she had her moments when she got angry, but the majority of the time she was cool to be around. She had great stories of days long past, some great embarrassing stories of Lisa (which are always amusing, hee hee), and lots of wisdom. She took care of Lisa when she was little and again when she was older, so in turn Lisa took care of her so that she never had to live in a nursing home.

Lisa sacrified a lot, but I know she feels it was worth it. Some people never get to know their grandparents, they never know the family stories, they don't know intimate details of their lives. Juanita was a "hoot" of a woman, she had major personality, a great sense of humor, and she fought a hard battle until the end when her lungs just betrayed her. The best thing about her though was her ability to love. She loved Lisa with a ferocity that is rarely seen. She told me once that she was afraid of dying only because she didn't want to make Lisa hurt, that's love.

I'm glad I got to know her and my life is richer because of her. Not only because of her directly, but also because she is the reason that Lisa is the kind, caring, generous, loving person that she is. I'm not a religious person by any means, the scientist in me I suppose, but I like to picture a young Juanita in heaven with her husband who's been gone ~13 years, with no oxygen tank, legs that work, and nothing holding her back physically...

Willie Rocks!!!

2005-08-31T08:33:00.000-07:00

For a 72-year-old man, Willie Nelson is frickin' awesome... A 2 hour show with him playing non-stop. And to top it off, I got to shake his hand and have him sign the latest "High Times" with him on the cover!!! Woo-hoo!!!

Happy Birthday Debbie!!! I hope you're having a splendid day!!!

My office is still coming together. I do so enjoy not sharing an office with anyone anymore. It's just nice :)

My new computer for home is arriving next Tuesday, along with the guy to set up my new faster internet connection!!! So these posts can actually start making sense and I can start reading all of yours again!

Jeez, I need to get here more...

2005-08-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

First day of school!!! Always a good day, for me anyways. I think I enjoy it more than my students! It just always holds so much promise, so much potential. I'm such a geek!

I have three kids in my class from my hometown, which is kinda' weird, especially since one of them is my 2nd cousin or something like that and another is my step-mom's 2nd cousin (yeah, we're all inbreds). I also have a student who is the brother of a girl I used to be friends with, I'm a little nervous about that cuz' our friendship ended in a really ugly fashion, so God only knows what he's going to hear about me. Very nervewracking...

Heading to a Willie Nelson concert tonight down in Duluth. I saw him in concert about 4 years ago and promised myself I would see him again if he came anywhere in the state because he puts on an awesome show, especially considering he's not exactly young anymore. Clearly pot works as a great method for staying young!

Things are falling in place for the destruction of the summer home (yuck, yuck) and I'll be putting pictures up documenting the arrival of my backyard...

Here's a hello to Julia for visiting my blog for the first time. I had a wonderful breakfast with her today since she's home from San Diego for a wee bit.

And in one lone day, Ms. Debbie is going to be a whoppin' 27 years old! About time she joined our club :)

No office yet, but closer!

2005-08-25T05:29:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends, enemies, people who read this to feel better about their own lives...

It's good to be back. As of today, things should be calmed down sufficiently. I have really missed blogging, how strange is that? And I've really missed reading blogs, I can't imagine how much I've missed out on reading while I've been away...

My office isn't finished yet, but this computer in the Bio lab should suffice for awhile. It feels good to be at school and I'm pretty confident that I made the right decision now in leaving my old job. Feels kinda' strange in a way, but I'm really looking forward to this year. And the walk to work in the morning is a little longer, which I also like (at least on non-raining days). I've had so much I wanted to blog about, but my hands just don't feel like typing at this point... Plus it's 7:30 and I've been awake since 4:30 thanks to the cats, so that may be contributing to my lack of coherent thought. How you people with newborns ever function, I will never understand...

Sorry for the lack of writing, be back in a week or so

2005-08-22T13:37:00.000-07:00

Would love to be writing, haven't had reliable internet access for a week. Miss writing like all hell, will be back next week...

Saying goodbye----- going away-----

2005-08-16T05:30:00.000-07:00

Any of you want to make me cry really easily? Here's a clue: Play the above-mentioned song from "The Muppets Take Manhattan" to me. Instant tears, just add water. My friend Jay used to be really evil and start singing that song every now and then just to test it. It all started a bazillion years ago (give or take a few weeks) when that movie came out on video. I remember watching it at my Grandma's house on one of the rare weekends that my mom was in town (I was about 9 I'm guessing). I was all snuggled up to her all the couch and this song came on and it was wayyyy too relevant to a little kid like me. I just started bawling my eyes out. And later in the movie when they sang "Together again" my poor mom was trying so hard to point out to me that they ended up together at the end and there was a happy ending. But as a little kid, I couldn't see that there would be one in real life. Glad to see I was wrong, but phew! how draining! Dear god, I've teared up just thinking about it!

Yesterday was my last official day at my old job and I was really sad leaving. I know there were conflicts, battles, etc. but I really did love that job. I got used to that as my professional identity. But this morning when I walked into school, I just knew that I had made the right decision and I'm really excited. Terrified also as I only have two weeks until classes begin and there's a lot to get done.

For some reason, I've always loved school. I was so excited as a 5-year-old to go to school. Supposedly (I don't remember it), my first day of elementary school, the teacher passed out this list of rules and such for the classroom and then had to pop out of the classroom (remember, this was 1983, teachers could do that) and when she came back in, yours truly was standing in front of the classroom reading the list off to my classmates (dorkus maximus). I always told my parents I wanted to be a teacher or a scientist. I guess a Biology instructor isn't the worst career move for me then, especially if I'm consulting on the side :) I should've told my parents I wanted to win the lottery too if my life's going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy!

But the people I'm going to miss!!! RC? Where will I be without your sarcasm? Jess and Mindy? Can we please hang out some time? Mark? My ego will now be able to heal without your daily teasing. But where will you be without me? Heh heh. Jen? Do you really need to go to Crookston to finish your degree and thanks for taking me out last night for drinky, drinky.

New path to follow. Hope to cross the old one every now and then though :)

I ain't no hollaback girl, I ain't no hollaback girl

2005-08-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, song stuck in head... Will someone with a clue please tell me what the hell that even means?! I am so not in touch with popular slang anymore, can't say I ever really was to start with though...

Happy News! I was approved for a loan to tear down the red beast in my backyard!!! Yippee!!! The money will be thrown into my bank account in two business days!!! Yippee!!! Granted, it's not like it's free money and some rich uncle decided to be kind. I realize I have to pay it back and all, but it's still hope that I can have a backyard for a house that we're outgrowing anyways (mood starts slipping here)... And with one of my solar landscape lights being stolen, I'm starting to really dislike my neighborhood (mood slips further). (Shaking it off), but at least it's a start! Yippee!!!

1 1/2 more days here. Wrapping things up so the new guy isn't totally confused. Him and his wife are coming into town this weekend to look for a place to live so we're going to meet for a few hours so I can warn (ahem, inform) him of how things are organized (who am I kidding, I'm never organized). I'm getting really excited for school to start (geek alert!).

Life is neat

2005-08-10T09:01:00.000-07:00

No seriously, I know I'm usually a cuddly bundle of sarcasm and cynicism, but my outlook is positive today. For one simple reason. When it comes down to it, we are all fundamentally the same. People may like different music, movies, hobbies, etc, but those things are really secondary. We all fall in love, have our hearts broken, feel elation, feel sadness, hate our exes, yada yada yada. Reading other people's blogs have really clued me into this reality. Most of my favorite blogs are written by people living in big, ahem, really big cities who have lives I could only dream about. Whereas I, on the other hand, live in a city with a population of 9,000 and am 3 1/2 hours away from Minneapolis. I don't frequent hip bars and restaurants, I don't work for a television network, I am not surrounded by any culture whatsoever, but what drives us and excites all of us are the same things.

I get just as frustrated with co-workers as Jackie does at her new job. I've hated men with the same amount of fiery passion that Sandra and lilreddramaqueen do. Etc. Etc. *Note, just because your blog may not be mentioned doesn't mean I don't spend a lot of time reading it everyday :)

I know I'm being idealistic, but I think people would get along a whole lot better if they just started to realize that not only does appearance not matter one little bit, but the same can be said for a lot of our exterior things. We could all use a little empathy when dealing with others. We could also all stand to be a little less snobby (bitchy, snooty, whatever) towards others that are different from us in such insignificant ways. Yes my friend Lisa listens to popular music, including Brittany, but does that mean anything really? It shouldn't. We like what we like. As long as she's not making me listen to it, should I really care? No, probably not. People are way too close-minded. That was one of my big reasons I pierced my eyebrow and cut my hair way short (boy-cut short, it's actually growing out in the photo here) in college. Just to sorta' prove a point. It was fun for me to have people judge me instantly (it doesn't help that I can be ditzy at times) and then be able to tell them "Oh, I'm going for a B.S. in Biochemistry" when they got around to asking me what I went to college for. The look on their judgmental faces was always worth it. It was always one of those boo-yah moments. I heard someone today at the doctor's office talking about a girl with piercings and a punk look and insinuating that she couldn't possibly be a good mother and all I could do is remember my old look with the corduroy's and Hendrix t-shirts and just shake my head at how dumb we can all be...

Alright, off to lunch :) Happy day to all of you, keep being you!

Slave to Routine

2005-08-08T04:30:00.000-07:00

I’m learning a lot about myself now that I’m a part-time worker hoping to get the hell out of there soon. I’m realizing that I actually like having somewhat of a schedule. That’s surprising to me, incredibly surprising. When I have a schedule and routine that I’m supposed to adhere to, I work diligently at not sticking to it. But the minute I’m without a set place to be, I’m sorta’ lost.

I have been part-time for a week now, with not too much to show for that, other than a few power naps in the afternoons :) I guess my house is somewhat cleaner, but the office still resembles a trailer park after a friendly twister has passed through. (and why do tornados always seem so drawn to trailer parks? that’s really the $64,000 question). They’re still renovating my office at the school, so I can’t get much accomplished there. It’s too hot for us to go golfing (Sam’s asthma kicks in when it gets over 75 degrees, hence why living in MN is not the worst idea for us). So I putz. Or I’m a putz. Whatever.

I just want to be moved on to my next job in a way. But I love my time off, so maybe I just need to figure out a system for myself at home so that I’m not spinning around aimlessly. Wow, I really never learned how to relax and vacation did I? Thanks a lot Dad. When I was a kid, it was considered a cardinal sin to not be doing something, anything. As long as it resembled work. Reading a book? Nope, not work, not a good thing to do. So if I wanted to read (which was always), I had to hide up in my bedroom or read until all hours of the night.

My dad almost instilled too much of a work ethic in me, to the point that I am a horseshit girlfriend/friend/etc. He never taught me the proper balance whatsoever. Work is way too central in my life and I’m struggling to escape that. It’s a poor mindset, but it’s difficult to erase. I know a retired-at-55 lawyer who said that he never worked past 5 or on weekends. He said he only made about half of what other lawyers around him were making, but he knew his wife and kids a whole lot better. My dad worked all the time when I was a kid and now he has no clue who I am and wonders why I don’t ever come to visit (Cats in the Cradle anyone?). I bet if I sent him a generic questionnaire on my favorites (band, movie, book, etc.), he would get it completely wrong.

I would rather have grown up poor, but had a dad who was around. A dad who did things with us. We never went to Twins games or played catch (yes I’m a tomboy) or did anything I would have liked to do. We went to horse shows, sales, fairs because my dad’s life also revolved around horses. I now want nothing to do with the cursed things (nasty accident). What good is having money if you aren’t doing something with it? What good is it to have kids if you aren’t doing something with them?

Don’t get me wrong; when my mom came back into the picture, she took the time. You could ask her almost anything about me and she would know the answer. Granted some answers may have changed, but at least she’d come close. My dad may have initially won custody, but in the long run, my mom was the winner by actually being a parent who noticed her children and their interests. Money does not a parent make.

Friends...

2005-08-03T07:02:00.000-07:00

This is a thank you to all my friends, my allies, my cohorts...

Having people on your side is a wonderful feeling. When you feel you've been wronged and people come to your defense, it's awesome. Having people exclaim "what a bunch of fucking bullshit" brings such joy to my heart :)

Sometimes I feel I have more acquaintances than friends, but I'm starting to wonder what the definition really is on that... Yeah, I don't hang out with these people much, if ever... But I know they care about me. Part of it is just getting older I think...

In college I could hang out with my friends all the time. Now I have a job (actually 2 usually), I have a house, I have all of these responsibilities that mean less time for doing stuff. But it doesn't mean my friendships are any less important.

I may only see some people once a month for lunch, but I treasure that time. I may only get to talk to some people on the phone once a month, but I laugh my ass off through the whole conversation. I may only see some people through work, but they are the reason work is enjoyable. And I know that if push came to shove, there would be people there for me and I would be there for them...

When she's not playing softball or reading books, Julie likes to collect matches with which to burn bridges (mwah ha ha)

Say What Now?

Welcome 2009!

Happy New Years!

I started the novel!!!

Well Holy Fucking Shit

With all of these voices in my head, how can I be so lonely?

To everything turn, turn, turn

Can I get a witness?

Summer's almost over (sigh)

What the 4th of July means to me

Lazy blogging!

"I get by with a little help from my friends"

Random Thoughts 2,246,216 - 2,246,220

This couldn't be anymore perfect

I hate money!

What would you do?

Dirty lil' girl

"School's out for summer"

200 posts!!!

Where have I been?

"Had my hand on the dollar bill

"Six days on the road

"I've always been crazy

"Excuse me while I tend to how I feel

My blog in one big chunk

What sound does a week make...

Yay Me!

Almost Spring!

Wow! Do I suck or what?

Attacked by Vampires!

Down with the Establishment!

I'd had to post this...

Cabin Fever

Friends...

We have a name!!!

Days go by and still I think of you...

Where do my days go?

B is for beauty

I've been tagged!

A is for Anxiety

Mental vacation...

New Diet!!! Lose 3 pounds overnight!!!

Thank you all so much *hug*

Happy New Year! I need a hug.

This is for you Angie!

On break and oh so lazy

Is it really over?

From the Ski Household to Yours

Damn kids these days!

My new avatar from Yahoo

It was a success!!!

One more week until Christmas break!

T-minus one week actually!

Okay, now I'm excited...

Having a party...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Time Management

Dear Santa

Me like progress :)

It's About Time!

Random thought of my Saturday morning...

Argh!

Ding dong the house is gone!

Yeah, this comes as a shocker!

What do you find scary?

Too weird

Supersize me baby!

Great googaly moogaly

Must. Hold. Onto. Optimism.

Sorry to any males who read this...

Thank goodness for short weeks!

I finally dyed it!

Must release pressure, gonna' blow

Someday I'll give it back...

East/West I always am backwards!

The view from my front porch...

Why is this not gone yet?

I have nothing of importance...

Well, that's it my friends

I really do adore my parents

Thank you all so much hug